Friday, September 24, 2010

Farmers' market

The homeopath suggests I stop the remedy for a few days, don’t take anything, which isn’t usually my favorite thing to do because then I worry everything will get worse, but then I sleep a little better, the time when I get wired is later and when I get out of bed I don’t feel immediately destroyed, go outside for an early walk, 11:30 am. It’s still ridiculously humid out, but not as ridiculously humid as before. My sinuses are a catastrophe. I walk too far, which doesn’t feel like too far until it’s too far. I get home and I feel like yesterday, no not as bad as yesterday but still like how will I do any of the things I thought I was going to do, just a few minutes ago? I guess there’s time, time when it’s so early, more time to feel exhausted, I guess, although not really more time just earlier. Somehow I’ve started to like the idea of getting up in the morning, going outside for a walk before noon -- I guess it’s exciting just because it’s different, even if I feel worse somehow I feel like I might feel better if I keep this schedule. More time.

Maybe if I could focus more on the process of eating, not just this food entering my mouth, going down and then I feel worse. Or better for a few minutes, until I have to eat again. And again. Chewing. Tasting. Sometimes I’m not sure whether I do those things. No, I do chew, but do I taste? So much eating that it’s hard to, and then I feel worse, and then I wonder.

I go to the farmers’ market for the first time, not the first time ever, but almost. Because in the past I was never up early enough. Walking down to Civic Center, there’s way too much light, I should never go out in the sun this early in the day without a hat. It’s before noon again, the next day. Walking down the hill, everything smells -- piss and shit on the sidewalk and then everyone’s rushing around kind of desperately and my eyes hurt from the sun, I’m trying to stay in the shade but there’s not much shade. It’s going to be too sunny in Santa Fe. Andee says I’ll need to start wearing sunglasses, and I do have a lot of sunglasses, although I’m not sure any of them are really UV-protecting.

Anyway, I get to the farmers’ market and it’s kind of overwhelming -- too much sun, too many people, something else smells. I get some berries that look kind of exciting -- I’m wearing a coat with big pockets, because otherwise I won’t be able to carry anything back. I hear something clucking, chickens -- oh, no, there’s a towering pile of chicken cages, that’s what smells now. The berries come out of their boxes while I’m walking, getting smashed in the bag and I try to rearrange them but then I realize I’ve put them down on a stoop that smells like shit, so I just leave them there -- someone will enjoy them: raspberries, blackberries, goldenberries which I’ve never seen before. I taste one. It gives me a stomach ache. I walk back up the hill.

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