Thursday, October 28, 2010

The air

The air is incredible today -- cool and fresh and as soon as I get on the fire escape my head clears, wow I love this. The birds I can’t see are chirping again, even more this time and it gives me that childlike excitement that I love and then for some reason the seagulls start squawking and flying in a circle, more and more and if there’s something I will miss about San Francisco it’s this view, the light on the buildings and all these decaying rooftops, hills and mountains and highway in the distance and so much calm.

Or maybe I won’t miss this view, it’ll just be different. Very different. I guess that’s what I’m looking for. Yesterday I was looking through old photos, and I found a roll from this public art-making party I threw in the ruins of the demolished laundromat next door to my old apartment, all these big wheatpastes I did on the walls like the one of me sucking cock that says IT’S ALL ABOUT GLAMOUR and I remember being disappointed that more people didn’t show up, but here in the pictures it looks amazing, we’re wandering around in the ruins, creating our own ruins and looking at these pictures reminded me of how I felt when I moved back to San Francisco and it just felt like there were so many more options for flamboyance and excitement and public engagement and queer dreams and now I don’t feel that at all. Of course then I was fleeing New York and the clampdown of consumer culture and career on everything, here it was going in the same direction but 10 years behind, so much more felt possible and maybe part of that was just that I got away. But also what San Francisco meant to me and it doesn’t mean that anymore. Maybe it’ll mean that again, but I can hardly imagine feeling that excitement here now. I’m not sure how much of this is just that I’m so weighed down by exhaustion that those moments of energy just feel like mania that will fade momentarily, and how much is that I’m weighed down by San Francisco and the failure of pretty much everything I wanted here. I know that when I leave something clears, but now I’m not just leaving to go on a book tour, I’m leaving. I’m ready, and I’m not ready. I’m ready. Maybe not when the air feels so clear and I can listen to the birds, but I know I’ll be able to do that in Santa Fe. And hopefully I’ll be able to dream more too.

2 comments:

Campbell said...

Lots of clean air and clear skies await you in Santa Fe. :-) Moving so far away has to be scary and exciting. It's a huge move, but I think it will be worth it. Do you know where you will live in NM yet?

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Campbell, it's true -- I can't wait for the clear air! The moving process is a different story...

But I'm not worried about being far away -- the further the better...

I don't have an apartment yet, but I'm renting a place for a month, and then hopefully I will find something perfect very soon.

Love--
mattilda