Friday, October 15, 2010


I wake up in a hole. Or first I wake up wired, that’s the problem, in the middle of the night where it’s still dark now and that means it’s really night which is kind of comforting but not comforting enough. Then I wake up wired a second time, an hour before I would usually wake up and that doesn’t sound like that much except it’s that much. I mean I realize I can’t change the feeling in my head from a catatonic darkness into something like clarity or light or hopefulness or energy or any of the things I want at the beginning of the day, and then I get up anyway.

Except then I realize oh, I shouldn’t have gotten up, so I try to start as much of my cooking is possible, and then I get back in bed, at first it’s still the darkness in my head but then I’m wired again but a little more calm so I get up again. I go out on the fire escape, where at least it’s cloudy, except now the sun is coming out, hurting my eyes, but still I feel calmer from that meditation exercise where you look slowly from one direction to the other and then back.

My sinuses are so much worse today, maybe that’s the problem. No, the problem is the interrupted sleep, it’s getting worse and for a few days I still felt kind of okay, I mean when I didn’t feel horrible, but now I just feel horrible. I wonder if it’s the humidity, if that relates -- is it humid out today? Let me check. 45%. Not insane, but way more humid than yesterday or the day before. Anyway, today I have an appointment with a naturopath, but I feel so awful that I don’t want to go. It’s all the way in Noe Valley, and I have to get there in this sweaty weather with a horrible headache and no energy at all. Then we’ll talk for two hours and I’ll get wired but when we’re done I’ll feel so so drained.

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