Wednesday, October 20, 2010


My sinuses are so much worse today, maybe that’s the problem. No, the problem is the interrupted sleep, it’s getting worse and for a few days I still felt kind of okay, I mean when I didn’t feel horrible, but now I just feel horrible. I wonder if it’s the humidity, if that relates -- is it humid out today? Let me check. 45%. Not insane, but way more humid than yesterday or the day before. Anyway, today I have an appointment with a naturopath, but I feel so awful that I don’t want to go. It’s all the way in Noe Valley, and I have to get there in this sweaty weather with a horrible headache and no energy at all. Then we’ll talk for two hours and I’ll get wired but when we’re done I’ll feel so so drained. And then I have to get home, which takes so fucking long from Noe Valley.

I guess this is worse than feeling like I’m in a cave, because I feel like I’m in a cave, but then I look outside and oh, the sun. Ouch. My eyes hurt. Where did this headache come from, I guess that’s what this is, this headache. And then I’m so exhausted that I want to get back in bed, except I already got back in bed, and it didn’t help, and neither did that tiny bit of flax oil I put on my food, just to see if I could digest it, but I can’t. Now I just feel sad. I guess I felt sad before. I still feel sad, waiting for my laundry before I go out for a walk in the headache sun.

I did like the naturopath -- he had some interesting ideas. I only got a glimpse of those ideas, since our time was up, but I guess I’ll get the rest during our follow-up. He’s not sure that the parasites are causing the bloating. I think he is going to prioritize my chemical sensitivities. Isn’t it annoying when you want to get back in bed, but actually you have to eat more, but you don’t want to get back in bed right after you’ve eaten? The laundry isn’t arriving, the laundry from the place that supposedly doesn’t use chemicals but then somehow it always smells like chemicals. Or maybe that’s my chemical sensitivity. I mean I know that’s my chemical sensitivity, but the laundry also smells like chemicals. Anyway, it’s not here yet.

I’m at the sad part. Dismantling this home that has sheltered me. Maybe that’s why I saved this part for last -- everything on the walls, the plants. Like the huge philodendron that took over a whole wall in the kitchen, curled around another wall, now it’s gone, or gone from here, ready to grow in a friend’s garden and I’m glad about that. Or the wall of books -- now it’s a blank wall, seems so strange without all those books to look at, the colors of their spines. Or my laminated art covering the walls, now I just see the remnants of duct tape, plaster peeled from the walls.

But then here I am a few days later, getting back to this writing and something has already shifted. I feel clearer. Maybe it’s the oregano oil I’m taking for parasites, which burns my throat and causes more bloating in the moment but then clears my head. And the air, suddenly it’s fall and everything is fresh.


Campbell said...


I get migraines a lot and it seems they are sometimes triggered by citrus. Sadly, I love citrus. Do you eat a lot of citrus?

For chemical free laundry you can wash your clothes with these things called soap nuts. They are berries that grow on trees but they also produce soap! I use them and I love them. Chemical free, earth friendly laundry!

Saying goodbye to home is never easy, but you will get to build a new home pretty soon. A fresh start! Hopefully with cleaner air and less aches.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Parasites, indeed!

No, I don't eat much citrus -- I used to eat tons of lemons, but then lemon showed up on an allergy test, oh no...

As for chemical free laundry, soap nuts sound nice, but the big issue for me is the chemical residue in the machines, since I don't have my own laundry, but in Santa Fe yes yes I do plan to have my own machines, that's easier to manage their -- I hope so!

And yes, I'm hoping for a fresh start with cleaner air, and less aches and a clearer head, for sure...

Love --

Jory M. Mickelson said...

I am sorry your sinuses are acting up (always).

Thank you for pointing out some other sites than Dan Savage's.

I wrote about what we discussed on my own blog. Thanks for making me more agitating to my friends and family!

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Thank you, my dear -- yay for more agitating to your friends and family, I will read, and call, soon -- no wait, maybe I'll call first, then read, then call...

Love love love --