Sunday, October 10, 2010

Helpful now

Where I want to stay: in this circle of irises growing taller and taller, I can look up and up and they just keep growing, the stems surrounding me in this shallow pond. When I go to the bathroom after therapy is done and I see the poster for Monet’s water lilies, I think oh. But first I just think yes.

Before it’s the exhaustion or worse than the exhaustion it’s the exhaustion that never ends, and then pain in my gut and then the exhaustion again, this started because the therapist suggested by picture Chris at that scary time when I thought he might hit me, to look at him but then I just feel like a skull in the dirt where my father’s left me, worms growing out of my eye sockets. Later, the therapist says I forgot all the places you go when you do EMDR with Mattilda. And: how I can find myself in these overwhelming places, over and over again, but I do find a way to get out, in my imagination. How helpful that was as a kid. I wonder if it’s helpful now.

No comments: