Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Tension and pollution and dissolution but luckily

Homeopathy can be so strange. I take the new remedy again, and immediately the bloating gets much worse, I feel sad and exhausted and my body hurts so I take a shower. But then, when I got out of the shower, I feel like something’s cleared. I go outside for a late-night walk, or what feels like late-night now, even though it’s only 9 pm. While I’m walking I get this burst of sexual energy, physical energy that actually makes me want to grab that guy across the street and fuck him against that car. I mean I’m always looking for sexual possibilities on my walks, even though they never arise. But it’s usually in a different way -- I just want to feel something other than awful. This time it’s a physical horniness that feels rare these days, maybe once every few weeks. A few blocks later and it’s gone, but my body feels more present in the street.

Then I get home, stay up too late reading, which doesn’t mean that late at all, maybe just 20 more minutes but that means I cross the line from being exhausted and calm to being exhausted and desperate, I hate crossing that line it just makes me angry at myself, like if I went to bed 20 minutes earlier everything would be okay. And then I get these weird hiccups -- I can’t even remember the last time I got hiccups so it must be the homeopathic remedy -- and then I’m walking around in my apartment for another hour just to try to get a hold on things before I get in bed, until I give up and get in bed anyway, and then it’s not as bad as I thought it would be but of course I wake up at 5 am all wired or actually I’m not wired at first, but I’m awake, and then I’m awake and wired, and whenever I’m awake in bed then the burping starts and that keeps me awake and later on it’s gas which feels better because it’s more of a release, but still I’m wondering when will I ever sleep well, this is after I fell back asleep, eventually, but I wake up and my face feels stuffed with tension and pollution and dissolution but luckily I fall back asleep again and then in my dream I have a whole conversation with my father in French, waking up from that dream I think it’s hilarious because my father never spoke French, and I always like it when I’m speaking French in a dream, it happens every now and then and that’s hilarious too, right? Because I rarely speak French, so when it happens in a dream it really makes me want to learn it again.

I guess the other day I had a phone conversation with Daniel Allen Cox in French, or at least the beginning of the conversation in French -- he’s in Montréal, and he was impressed, and going to Montréal was really what made me realize oh, I love speaking French, I mean even if my French isn’t so great right now it just felt so different in Montréal where French wasn’t this posh thing that only the most pompous people spoke. Actually, Francophone Montréal is generally more working-class than Anglophone Montréal. Anyway, I was speaking to my father in French in the dream, and when I woke up I was in a good mood even though I didn’t feel like I’d slept enough but I got up anyway because might as well go with the good mood, right? And now I’m still in a good mood, kind of bouncy and energetic, we’ll see how long that lasts.

Okay, it didn’t last long, but even when I’ve crashed today I’ve bounced up too, so maybe that’s a good sign? The homeopath has an idea for a new remedy, oh I hope this one helps.

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