Sunday, November 14, 2010

As long as possible

Here’s the thing: you could be anywhere, let’s say a shopping mall parking lot or okay I am in a shopping mall parking lot, I figure I might as well see what’s inside, nothing, better than something because that means it’s a mall that failed, or failed past CVS and Office Depot and a hot tub replacement parts store, but anyway then I’m in the parking lot, gross, but I look up and oh, the mountains, right there, and the sky, the air and the sky and the mountains.

Much better is right when I wake up and go outside, it’s freezing out, 35 degrees, but I’m sitting in the sun and oh there’s so much air or not just air it’s like air and air and air and air, and I think what the hell was that shit I was breathing before no actually I just think oh, this is amazing. Except for the time when I walk out of the first apartment I visit, I guess it’s not an apartment it’s a tiny house with two beautiful patios but it’s too small inside and I can tell I’ll be allergic, so then I’m walking back to where the bus is, and it’s so far I could never live this far even though this is close it’s nowhere near close enough and I can walk because I didn’t bring a bag but in my regular life I would definitely need one, right? Tonight’s strategy is that I’ll walk to Whole Foods to get something to eat, and then I’ll take the bus home, but now I’m on Cerrillos, which is 5 miles of strip mall hell, and even though this is before the strip malls start the exhaust from cars is horrible and it’s much further than I thought, everything is further than it looks on the map, further than people say because they all drive anyway and outside Whole Foods, yes I’m finally there, but wait did I mention the old railcars decorating the railyard and yes, the mountains again, you can see them in every direction except when the car exhaust surrounds you I mean you can still see then too but it doesn’t hit you in the same way. But outside Whole Foods they have these little carts that are like rolling play stations for kids and you put your groceries on top, I don’t think I’ve ever seen those before, and when I get inside I think oh no, this is hell.

Which is strange, because usually when I go to a random town, Whole Foods actually seems comforting in a way that at least I could get groceries and feed myself, but maybe here I’m already used to the co-op, the co-op that’s just as expensive as Whole Foods and I can’t exactly tell what exactly makes it a co-op any more that something like REI, which is actually just down the street, thrilling, but anyway as soon as I step into Whole Foods I think oh no, what am I doing here?

Except I know that I’m there to get food, and once a few rich straight women and one dyke compliment me on my look I’m feeling better, especially after the one who says everything about you, it all looks great -- I’ll take that from corporate health food homogeneity any day, I mean I’ll take it wherever I can get it, and did I mention the trend here in Santa Fe: straight women love me, or are at least curious, dykes look a little confused but interested, fags act snotty, and most straight guys don’t even want to acknowledge me. Especially the cowboy types – there are a lot of cowboy types in Santa Fe.

Of course there are exceptions to this general pattern, like the straight couple who go to my second apartment showing right after me, I mean they’re looking for it and I say hi and the woman says hi! No, wait – what’s the exception there? Maybe that they were both friendly and I wanted them to get the apartment, I mean the house – this one was huge, with stunningly high ceilings and a bathroom twice the size of the bedroom in the other place, but I would never be able to get there without a car, and the back faced another street like a thoroughfare, what is it with these highway-type streets in the middle of cutesy Santa Fe?

But I wanted to tell you about the bus, I mean I wanted to tell you but first I wanted to catch the bus, after Whole Foods, but instead I just waited and waited and then I tried to get a cab but there weren’t any, so then I started walking, and I did see a cab but he had a call, so I decided okay, I’m not that far, I guess I’ll walk, and then after I walked a few blocks the cab came back but I waved him away, I figured I was close enough already but oh those last four blocks, oh when I got home my feet hurt and I was so tired, so out of breath because remember the elevation, I couldn’t speak and my body was hurting like actually it hasn’t hurt yet, then I started a bath but the hot water ran out halfway through and I got in anyway, and even though it wasn’t warm it was better than not being in the bath, and I stayed in as long as possible and the good news was that by the time the bath finished draining the water was warm again so I could take a hot shower to wash off the Epsom salts.


kayti said...

Don't straight women always love you and I think all those cowboys are a good thing.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

I'm not sure if straight women always love me, but there are straight women who love me -- although, usually more dykes than straight women, I would say :)

The cowboys, I will trust your judgment...

Love --