Friday, November 05, 2010

For a while

I’m glad I decided to take a trip down the coast on the way to Santa Fe. Or maybe decided isn’t exactly the word, since I have to go down the coast in order to catch my train in LA, but I’m glad I decided to make it a trip, to stop places. First in Monterey, where Randy and I stay at a motel in strip mall hell or maybe not quite strip mall hell but definitely a strip of motels on the side of the almost-highway, but here’s the thing I realize: when you wake up, and the air is this fresh, you go outside and yes there’s a fence with trucks parked just a few feet away but you look up and you see the mountains. When you wake up, and the air is this fresh, it doesn’t matter that you’re in strip mall hell. I mean it’s not hell at all, it feels fine, when the air is this fresh.

Randy says I wouldn’t be this excited if I wasn’t moving, but actually I just think it’s that my head clears. I don’t even feel like I’m moving, yet. Just on a trip, a trip that’s different than my usual trips. There’s even a porn theater right by our motel, and the person working there is actually friendly, and the next day we go to visit the sea lions, so many crowded on one pier and you’re literally just a few feet away from them, then we’re driving through Big Sur as the sun lowers and then sets into the ocean, the whole horizon yellow and then red and then the colors stay as we wind around all the views and eventually there’s Pismo Beach, where we’re staying, and here’s the other thing I realize: I don’t think I need to live in a city really, I mean not right now. Except that I need access to certain things: a health food store, feldenkrais, friends, maybe a sex life. But otherwise, I feel better here, walking two blocks and there’s the beach, before I leave the house I feel worn out, drained, sinus headache from the fabric softener or the drive, but then I get to the beach and it doesn’t matter. Just this walk through the sand into tidal pools filled with seaweed, over to an estuary where it’s just me and the water and all these birds and the sky. I look in one direction and there’s the ocean, in the other the mountains and stopping in these small towns where there’s nothing except everything, no in Monterey there are some terrible things too like tourist hell and tons of military, here there’s probably tourist hell in the summer but now it’s quiet, still what I’m saying is there’s still.

I think that’s what I want, I think this move is a good choice, I just need to find the right apartment, somewhere where most things I need are nearby and I can go on beautiful walks. But then here I am in all this coastal air, clearing my head, and I start to worry about this other air, clearing my head, maybe even more air, the mountains and the desert but I hope it’s not too dry, doesn’t wreck my sinuses, I keep circling back to that question, wondering if I should’ve moved to some beach town, but I guess then there’s the issue of the mold again, it seems kind of dry here but it’s probably not that dry, I mean can it be that dry with all this moisture right nearby, this moisture that I love, yes still it could be dry air, or dryer, but not dry like the desert and I hope the desert is the right choice, at least for a while.

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