Thursday, December 02, 2010

And I love it

It’s the little things that mean the most, like what I’m at the co-op and they have this little metal strainer for a drain, I need one of those for my new bathroom, should I get it? And then it fits perfectly and I feel so accomplished. Or, the taxi driver who asks me if I need help carrying my bags maybe she knows I have chronic pain but she doesn’t, she just wants to help – she can’t believe I walked all the way in the cold to the co-op but I loved it. Or, when I ask someone where the St. Vincent De Paul thrift store is and she looks like she’s not going to respond but then she smiles and says it’s right across the street, you just missed it. Even little things that don’t matter, like the drunks in the park calling me Dr. Seuss except really they mean one of Dr. Seuss’s characters, right? This park is so gorgeous, I thought I could go through on the other side to get the St. Vincent De Paul thrift store but it turns out I have to go around, a dog comes running around the corner and its owner is yelling because the dog is barking at me, I’m laughing but not because I’m not afraid, but anyway I still can get to the thrift store without going over to Cerrillos, that’s the experiment I was trying, how to avoid the traffic and all these things I discover, what is that hall with the big eagle and all the trucks parked outside, I thought I had the acronym figured out but now I can’t remember the initials, another time, but I’m trying to tell you about the sky. Today it’s 45 out so it feels warm, warmer, I don’t have to wear two sweaters under my wool coat and tie my scarves way up high underneath a hat, it feels relaxing with my hair blowing in the wind and you look up and see the stars, just like that, and that’s when I love it here, walking around and everything’s closed or even if it’s not closed it feels close because it’s so dark but before dark, just around the corner from St. Vincent De Paul, I discover this tiny antique store, or antiques and more as what it says, and inside the older queens working to do that thing of shock in their eyes but then they recover quickly, preppy in that old-school proper gay way, but not really, I mean really, but not really, hi doll and we’re friends and actually the store is great, all these little rooms winding around and everything isn’t as overpriced as at the other ridiculous stories I’ve gone to. Except the ‘50s modern stuff, but even that isn’t quite as crazy as at the other places, why does everyone like ‘50s modern so much, I get another crazy floral tie for four dollars and they invite me to an opening on Friday at the store, what kind of opening, I say, thinking it’s for an art show but it’s just an opening, 5 to 8, come on by and you’ll meet some crazy people. I like crazy people – we do too, come back and see us, we get new items every day, and outside I see this enormous round wooden table, Art Deco and I kind of want to buy it just because I have space for it, even though it wouldn’t make any sense at all it’s just so gorgeous sitting outside like that, not that I would put it outside because it would get ruined, $250 which still sounds like a lot but not compared to these other places that literally would sell it for $2500. Anyway, then there’s Whole Foods, where the cashier says you better watch out or you’ll become one of those people who comes here every day, and I laugh, I keep going there to get a snack because I leave the house with nothing so I can walk and then I need something. The cashier says don’t worry, I’m one of those people too, and then when I go into the sitting area I see a few more of those people, and on my way back, that’s when I see the stars, the stars and the air and so much space is so beautiful here at any time of the day I think I’m falling in love or something, I mean when I’m not too tired just calm and I look into the barber shop or salon where maybe I’ll get my hair cut but still I can’t decide, it’s hard to decide, I got one recommendation but for somewhere too far for me to get to alone, did I mention that the queens at the antique store told me that the train to Albuquerque is only something like six dollars round-trip, I wouldn’t have expected that at all, trains are usually so expensive, and they said too bad it only goes downtown but actually there are some good thrift stores downtown, and then it starts sounding fun to check it out except I really would need a bag to travel that far, and then it would be hard to walk much, but anyway I stopped at Borders on my way back, chain stores the only thing that’s open late in Santa Fe but actually it’s not late yet, just feels late because of the time of year and I can’t find the queer I mean LGBT section, sometimes I just like to see what they have at terrible stores like this but if I can’t find the section then I figure no one can and since this is the second time I’ve been here I’m pretty sure there isn’t one at all, tragedy, a lot of queers working here though. But I’m here for the bathroom – at first I think why, I’m in such a good mood, I mean I feel calm and do I feel horny, it’s because of a missed connection’s post on craigslist and then I heard a second time that Borders was cruisy and I went once before, that was quick, now I’m here again, how silly until I’m sucking this guy’s dick under the stall I mean what could be more silly, bathroom cruising reminds me of high school, my first gay spaces, oh my, but none of this I mean I wasn’t the one sucking then. Anyway, just when I think oh no, I’m going to fuck up my neck just like Steve always says, too much time bending over at awkward angles and this is really awkward but then I feel his hand on the back of my head and this is what I mean about little things, tiny things, everything changes and this is everything, I let my body collapse all the way onto the floor and he’s moaning yes moaning yes and grabbing my head yes and when it’s over he says thanks man which somehow sounds intimate, and as I’m walking outside I wonder about sucking cock in a place like this, will this be my sex life oh no, but then I notice that my feet are planted firmer into the ground, pelvis rotating in the way that always seems to difficult to figure out and what was it about that interaction, I’ll never know, sure my neck hurts a bit or not my neck but my upper back, I’ll listen to a feldenkrais CD when I get home, and then there’s my walk up Guadalupe, actually that’s when I look into the hair salon or barber shop I can’t tell exactly, a little dog sitting in the bright light but no one else, briefly stopping or not stopping but walking through the grass in the park by the river, at different sensation under my feet, shoes, pressing the buttons at the intersections for a walk signal which sometimes works and sometimes you just wait but the air and the stars I mean unless there’s too much exhaust, I’ve learned to pull my scarf over my face when an old truck drives by and what will I do in the summer, what will this summer be like with longer days, it won’t feel so late at 6:30 pm but for now I’m walking home in the dark, soon this won’t be my home anymore, I mean this place, the temporary one, but I’m walking home in the dark, and I love it.


gina said...

i love this! all of this! and you! i can't wait to be there with you!

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

So lovely to hear from you over here in this space, my dear -- and I can't wait to see you you you yes you!!!!!

Love --