Saturday, December 04, 2010

The cracks between the bricks

Okay, it’s all fading away so fast, I mean what I was going to write, my energy slipping into the overwhelm of exhaustion but today it makes sense: I went to bed too late, wired and thinking of an art show I’m going to be part of this Friday, can you imagine already? How exciting! That’s why I was wired, up too late because the meeting for the artist collective Meow Wolf, or I’m not sure if they call themselves a collective but it felt like a collective, even in the dysfunctions I could glimpse just from my one meeting but incredibly participatory in the sense that everyone is immediately welcome, I mean immediately welcome to participate. Even in a group show coming up this Friday – they asked for ideas, I thought I would mount lostmissing inside the gallery if possible, and yes yes yes here it comes!

But first I’m in bed too wired, midnight used to be way earlier than I would ever go to bed but now it’s too late, see how I’m wired and then when I’m relaxed in the morning, almost ready to wake up but not quite, then there’s someone pounding on the door, you remember this before, the professional leaf blowers, but now they’re digging up the ground too and I’m not sure why my temporary landlord never notifies me about this but I guess I’ll soon be elsewhere, I mean in just a few days.

The hardest part is that I can’t go outside to sit in the sun for my morning routine, but then I realize wait, maybe I’ll just go on a quick walk, even before eating anything, so then I get dressed and head down the street towards the park which maybe isn’t a park, just a lawn, I’m not sure, right by the post office. But here’s what happens, even on this day destined to fade fast, I mean you already know it’s faded but first, I walk outside and think God I love this town. Right away just like that – with God and everything, even though of course I don’t mean God it’s just an expression still strangely in my head after so many years of not believing in something like that anything, but I do believe in walking outside and thinking, right away: I love this town. There are the mountains, right there, and in the park that maybe isn’t a park I sit down in the sun, the grass that doesn’t feel like grass it feels more like hard hard dirt, probably there shouldn’t be grass there, I mean I’m sure, but I sit down in the sun and take off my jacket, shirt, and sweater, just to get my vitamin D for a few minutes while I do that meditation where I look slowly slowly slowly from one direction to the other and then back, the sun glistening on the leaves the clay buildings against blue sky and then oh, those trees, green leaves in the blue sky and the sun and what on earth are they doing outside, outside my window now I mean, are they putting tar out on this beautiful patio, over brick, why would they be doing that? And then the smell, oh no I hope hope hope hope hope not.

But back to the park or the lawn, turns out it’s not just the post office but the Federal Building and when I walk back in the sun of course I start worrying I’m getting burnt, today it’s warmer, 50 degrees out, but at home in the mirror I realize no, not even a hint, just a softness in my cheeks until I crash, I mean there’s probably still a softness in my cheeks but now I just feel drained, soon I’ll go to make lostmissing copies since the copy shop is right here and the art show so soon, maybe I’ll even go on the walk I was thinking about earlier, to my new place so I can visit a used furniture store that didn’t look that expensive, although of course you can’t tell from outside, first I’ll do some feldenkrais and see if that helps, the CD sounds good but I feel kind of conspicuous with the people working outside, they say they won’t be doing anything tomorrow and I really really hope not, allergies in my throat right now already, probably from all the raking and blowing and oh no, now some kind of grinding machine, maybe just to get this asphalt or whatever into the cracks between the bricks, I’m not sure, the cracks between the bricks, I need to rest.

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