Friday, December 17, 2010


Okay, I keep getting distracted from writing – why, distraction, why? But anyway, now I’m here, distracted. I wanted to tell you about all the fires, you walk outside and everything is burning – just in their fireplaces, I mean. But then it comes pouring into my apartment, oh no my sinuses but even here with all the dryness, heat in apartments because we need it I mean even here in my apartment I turn the heat up high except when I go to bed, but even so I will say that my sinuses are much better. Hopefully when I say that, everything will suddenly get worse, like when I’m in bed thinking well at least tonight the bloating’s not so bad, and then he gets terrible. It’s been terrible lately, but only at night, which is still better than it was before, even if it still ruins my sleep. Today I woke up with my sinuses worse than usual, clogged in that way, a headache too at first, maybe because I didn’t leave the windows open as far, it was colder, 16 or something, I didn’t want to get too cold. Tonight I’ll open it wider anyway.

I’m trying to remember what else I wanted to write about – maybe the snow, and the way that, no matter what, when I open the door all the air clears my head yes my head yes the air yes they air and the way today every few minutes the sky would change, starting out very gray oh I love the gray sky, especially when it’s been so sunny, then a hint of sun and the bright snow, sunglasses over to the consignment shops around the corner where everyone remembers my name, how sweet, and then later when I was driving around with Justin, I looked over at the mountains and oh, white, you know what that means, and then the sky, trailing us, I mean the clouds in colors the colors in our eyes our eyes in the sky.

And maybe something more mundane, like the way my phone isn’t working two days after they installed the line, and why do they take the wires all the way over the house instead of just around the garage, or maybe how you have to go to the trash place to get recycling bins, I mean they won’t deliver them and there’s this big ad campaign by the Santa Fe New Mexican, the daily newspaper, about how no one recycles in Santa Fe, and really, wouldn’t it help if they delivered the bins. Maybe just a little more funding, and they wouldn’t leave the lights off in the lobby when you arrive like everything’s closed, and here businesses have to pay for recycling so of course it’s not mandatory and that’s where the vast majority of the waste comes in, right? But then you look up at the sky again, not to me now but you, we’re here together, oh I know I wanted to say something about cruising areas and that’s the way to have sex with someone you might not be attracted to because at that moment when you see whatever it is in posture or gait I wish it was a smile but no, not usually a smile, maybe just the gesture or the way he carries those clothes on his body, the way his body carries, the way his eyes or skin or nose or grin no rarely grin but maybe shoes or forget it, I’m on my knees, but the point is the difference between that and when someone comes over and you think can I? Maybe. Why not. Even if. And then. Emptiness. Not the right kind. Not like when you walk outside and the sky, not like when you walk inside, look around, just something familiar and draining and yes, we all know I’m here to figure out what’s next, desire that builds, or no that’s not why I’m here but it’s something that I need to figure out at some point, and I’m here, figuring, figuring some point.


Wilmaryad said...

Congrats on being voted one of the best LGBT blogs by Guide to Online Schools! :-)

Here's the link:

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Thank you, Wilmaryad!

And, thanks for the link...

Love --