Thursday, December 23, 2010

Kids they don't like

Or certain middle-aged straight women, anyway -- not the ones who say that’s a great coat, I saw you walking on Guadalupe and I thought that’s a very tall woman, but now I see that you’re a very manly man in an elegant coat. Or, on the phone: Mitchell? No, my name is not Mitchell! Low-flush toilets – I guess they’re a good idea, except when you have to flush four times in order to get it down. And then you have to use the toilet scrubber too, to break it down – just give me a regular toilet, okay? I’m not one of those people who flushes every time I piss, anyway, and I’m glad I got the ergonomic toilet scrubber, that was a good investment, but can’t I just shit, and flush? I know – it’s Christmas – keep flushing.

I’m wondering what exactly causes silverware to tarnish – something about exposure to oxygen, right? Is it safe to eat with it? I know that you can use toothpaste to remove tarnish – the sodium laurel sulfate, floor cleaner, because everyone wants their teeth to be as clean as their floors. Like when you name your new spa Massage Miracle, time to close the blinds, nighttime. Now I understand why everyone here likes a wall around their house—otherwise you just stare outside at the cars going by. Although often the people with the biggest walls live the furthest from the street. That big van with the gate separating front from back—I always think it’s a cop van, but it’s just the people doing construction across the street, how long is this construction go on? Maybe they bought a used police van, or they have an attack dog, or kids they don’t like.


Anonymous said...

My roommate and I both got into to peeing in the sink. We have been doing it for a while now and its pretty exciting, each time, still to this day. I like to pretend its for environmental reasons, cause you don't have to flush, but that's mostly just an excuse I think.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Yes, but what about shitting -- that's harder to do in the sink...

Love --