Saturday, December 25, 2010

Outside anyway

It’s always stunning when I walk outside, look up and oh, the mountains. The air. Even if I’ve already sat outside in the sun, like today, the first day in a while when I was able to take off my shirt, the warmth on skin, cold air, staring at the light in the gravel. But then when I go out for a walk it’s different, all the air surrounding me, the light, the mountains, even today when my energy is low low low still it’s beautiful and calming to walk around and that’s the magic of this place, these walks. Even if my walk lasts too long, to the post office to check my mail and then back, it might be close to 2 miles, I was looking at the map last night, that’s way more than I used to walk, so I’m hoping for progress. Today it’s not progress necessarily, just exhaustion where I keep eating because whenever I finish I’m still hungry, I mean it’s always that way but today it seems worse and I wonder about the parasites, these herbs are helping, any of them, or I can’t tell when or what is helping what makes everything worse, can never tell really. So then I wonder about taking the pharmaceutical medication the naturopath in San Francisco recommended, maybe I’ll ask him about it, except then I start to worry it will make everything much worse, and much worse I can’t handle.

I guess it’s the dryness in the air that makes my hands hurt, I touch something the wrong way and I get a sore, try to avoid washing too much, not too many showers, everything dries my skin. Luckily not my face, at least not yet, I hope that doesn’t happen. But everything itches after a take a shower, so I try to take as few as possible, although I’m sick of wearing hats all the time, seems easier though, I need a haircut. That happens next week, then we’ll see. But I don’t know what to do about my hands -- shea butter, an overpriced moisturizer, aloe, I keep layering it on.

You what it is about going outside, it’s that inside I can see trees and buildings and the way the light changes, the street and alley at the sky, but does little bits really and then I go out there and wow, every time, wow. Makes me want to go out again right now, even though I’m too tired to walk really, should I go out anyway, right before it gets dark?

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