Sunday, December 26, 2010

Soft and searching

I don’t know why, but I’m getting more and more tired. Last night I even slept kind of okay, woke up without too much bloating, but still -- I’m more tired. Didn’t even feel like walking for more than a few blocks. It’s beautiful out, but it just seems kind of annoying, the sun everywhere, my eyes squinting into a headache. Maybe that’s from all the smoke at the luminaria, the big Santa Fe event where everyone walks around on Canyon Road looking at the Christmas lights -- I had no idea that it would be so crowded, streets blocked off by the cops and throngs of people everywhere. Too much smoke, though -- fires in the street, all the candles -- suddenly I felt like I was in the desert, at first I thought it was the people smoking cigarettes near me so I walked up ahead, less air. I mean I am in the desert. It’s hard to breathe in the desert with all that smoke.

I met someone nice last night, off one of those cruising sites -- can you imagine? He said the smoke was hard for him too, made his eyes burn -- and, he said the same thing about the smoke from everyone’s chimneys, which was kind of comforting, that it’s not just me with all my sensitivities. We were making out, and right when it seemed like he was really getting into it, he said can we just be friends? I said sure we can be friends, is it okay to be physical too? So then we stayed physical, hugging and caressing but not as much kissing and it felt so comfortable talking about Santa Fe and the places we’ve lived and where to get a haircut and why we moved here and whether we like it. I liked what he said about the music I was playing, the way he was listening. I wasn’t sure what made him say can we just be friends, maybe he was nervous or maybe I went too fast, what do you do at that moment where you’re assessing one another, make the first move is what I thought. Then I could feel myself shifting into that sexual place of interpreting the other person’s moves, kind of a performance and I wondered if that was intimidating. But also in this place like finally I can feel what I want. Maybe it was when I said do you want to move to the bed? Not that I necessarily wanted to move to the bed, except it seemed like it would be nice to lie on top of him and he wasn’t leaning in that direction on the sofa. He was the one who grabbed my dick, visibly hard I guess. I mean I know. What does just friends mean anyway because I really liked the physical contact, something about him felt soft and searching, so I hope that’s part of our friendship, I mean if we become friends. I mean I hope so.

2 comments:

jcrass said...

you are so cute and so sweet.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Aw, thank you!!!

Love --
mattilda