Wednesday, January 05, 2011

About everything

I wanted to say that I’ve always loved taking a shower, but first there was childhood and my father so let me say that since then I’ve loved taking a shower. Sure, there’s the thing about purity, and cleanliness, but also calm and nurturing and by myself, in my body, in my body with all this water around me and yes. But now I find myself grinning my teeth, trying to figure out how to wash my hair without using my hands too much, ouch that burning ouch that burning OUCH, maybe if the water was cold but then I’m cold and at least it doesn’t seem to make my feet too much worse until I notice that yes my toes are swelling and I’m holding my fingers in weird positions to try not to use them, gritted my teeth instead of just closing my eyes in beauty.

After I shave, there are all these bumps on my face -- that’s because I haven’t shaven in a week, usually it’s every other day and I think a week is too long because look at these bumps. I don’t even want to do my hair, because then I’ll have to wash my hands again. Is this aloe helping, or making it worse? One of the few things I could depend on for peace and calm and clarity, a space to dream and relax, now it’s just another ordeal. I wish I could wash my hair, body, everything, without using my hands, now the rash of my pointer finger is darker and bluish and I think about syphilis again, except syphilis rashes are not supposed to burn, they look gross but they’re painless, that’s what they always say. And then they go away. This rash isn’t going away, of course I’ll get an STD test just to see and I’ve started a new homeopathic remedy for the rash but of course there’s no way to tell if it’s helping since I just took a shower, dangerous shower, dries out my nostrils too and I tried to get the whole house carbon filter installed to do something about that but first they couldn’t connect it to the cold water but I thought let’s try it anyway, but then they couldn’t find the main shutoff valve for the water and ouch, now my feet, ouch I want to itch my fingers, I haven’t soaked my feet in vinegar in a while, would that help her make everything worse? I mean isn’t that the question

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