Tuesday, January 18, 2011


I leave the house to get dishwashing liquid, but there are so many great mysteries in the world and one of them is about walking, through the railyard because I want to go on a second walk before dark, that’s the best way but really I don’t have any energy and when I get to the end of the railyard I can’t decide whether to just go to Whole Foods across the street or keep walking, no I want to keep walking, the way the light changes, sparkling, and I can follow the tracks to avoid the roads and at a certain point I think either I’ll turn around and get dishwashing liquid, or I’ll go to Borders to find the gay/lesbian section, because two people told me there actually is one, and I didn’t see it before, and I know you’re thinking about the other gay/lesbian section, but first let’s talk about the books. There’s a new book by Simon LeVay, the person who did that stupid study in the ‘90s about the gay gene, they still let him write books? Of course they let him write books, a hardback, on one of the multinationals. What else do they have? Something from Southern Tier Editions, a long-gone imprint of Haworth, now also gone, so you know that book has been on the shelf for a while. A few sex work anthologies, although that must be the gender studies section -- oh, I see, they are only about 15 books in the gay/lesbian section, Andrew Sullivan, of course they have that, but anyway you were waiting for the bathroom so let’s go, I have to shit anyway.

So here’s the mystery: all that happens is that I look at this guy’s shoes, super-shiny and black and slightly square at the end, that hard kind of leather, gray pants up above but he’s not moving his feet to indicate anything and you know how you always go to that place where you think maybe this one is the cop and so I continue studying the shoes, the shoes become the attraction almost and I look under to see his pale calves, can’t detect required movements but eventually I’m moving my hand anyway as an invitation so he does kneel down jerking off, in fact he won’t stop jerking off to let me so I hold his balls and rub his legs and then someone comes in, or he thinks someone’s coming in but not really, at one point he grabs my dick really fast, quick like it’s forbidden and that’s when I figure he’s straight, but especially when I say let me suck it, or something like that, and when I lean my head under the stall I see him start to come, just like that, but especially when he waits to leave the stall until no one’s around, no one except me, even though he finished zipping his pants a long time ago.

But the mystery is the way that feeling this guy’s calves and thighs, just for a few moments, the way that becoming a part of whatever it was that he wanted, something inside me lifts, what the hell, a window out of exhaustion depression headache heaviness and when I walk outside suddenly everything feels so relaxing, I look up at the moon, almost full and the sky looks thick unless that’s just my contact lenses, yes I still need a new prescription but no, I think this is some kind of desert fog. And right then comes the real sunset moment, the fire at the horizon, you see how you can have two totally different pictures here, the moon over there and then I’m walking towards those bright reds and oranges, even over to get dishwashing liquid and then I’m thinking about the way sex opens something up, I mean when it feels like some kind of connection and now I’m talking about yesterday, someone off craigslist, and yes he really did say are you clean just before we started, almost under his breath. But I actually felt horny, not just searching for something to bring me out of exhaustion overwhelm, funny how he was talking I mean writing earlier about wanting my cock but he barely touched it, worried about that clean thing, didn’t matter to me because you know how I like to suck and then afterwards when he was telling me about learning a Mac because he wants to change careers at some point, accounting to architecture, but also he was saying how he wants to retire to Phoenix, he likes the hot weather, he’s lived here all his life and he needs a change but 12 years until he can retire. Of course in his posting he said he was 30, but I knew as soon as I looked at the picture what 30 meant, someone in middle age looking back but he’s sweet, a lightness to his laughter, even if he asks about my real name, but anyway my question, how sex can open something up and even if it rarely does, then when it does I start to wonder again about these connections, one to the next I want more connections.


davka said...

oh my. this piece. perfect.

"I leave the house to get dishwashing liquid, but there are so many great mysteries in the world"

there are so many astounding lines and ideas and images in this entire piece. What a great thing it is. I am going to quote that first line a lot forever.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Davka, so lovely to hear from you -- and how sweet of you to quote that line, I like it there by itself, thank you for calling attention to it, and this piece!

Love --