Saturday, January 22, 2011

Toxic overload

When I get this tired, it’s so hard to do anything really -- the day passes and I wonder, what was that day? Did it happen? I don’t even want to call anyone because then they’ll ask how I’m doing. I’m terrible! Most people can’t really deal with that, and then I end up acting like I’m okay anyway, or talking about things that are day, to make conversation, and even if they can deal then I end up doing that anyway and the result of all of that is that I just feel worse.

Although, sometimes I feel better too, I mean talking to people and not feeling so stuck, trapped, in my world. Today I had a phone appointment with a naturopath in San Francisco, and he was asking if there was anything that changed right around when I started to feel worse a week or so ago, when the sinus headache came back, when I became more exhausted, and I didn’t think of it then but now I realize oh, that’s when I went dancing, right? Maybe that was it. So simple and tragic and maybe not even true, I can never figure out exactly what’s true, I mean some things I know for sure: smoke ruins my life. Here comes in through the windows, courtesy of other people’s chimneys. Indoor heat destroys my sinuses -- here it comes through my vents. Oh, what else?

I was just thinking about how, when I first got here I was taking all those baths -- I would get so cold, and it was the only thing that would warm me. Now I can imagine -- my skin, poor skin, it would get so dried out! I wanted to go soak at the tubs at 10,000 Waves, but now that sounds like a hazard too. At least I’m acclimated to the cold -- I even catch myself thinking oh, it will be nice when it gets a bit warmer, something I never thought in San Francisco, so maybe my strategy of moving here for the winter, winter that I love, is working in a way that already are don’t feel quite as afraid of the warmer weather.

Oh -- the naturopath went over this porphyrins test with me, and I don’t exactly understand it, but I guess what it indicates is that probably I’m dealing with a lot of mercury toxicity in my body, plus something else -- dioxin or ethanol is what the lab was guessing, although I’m not sure where I would get dioxin or ethanol. I used to have tons of mercury fillings, and I had them all taken out and replaced right before the pain overwhelm began about 10 years ago, so that part totally makes sense. He started to suggest some tests where you use the chelating agent to measure the amount of heavy metal toxicity in your body, and I just got more and more exhausted thinking about how draining that would be, and I guess he realized, and said maybe that’s not what we should do right now, suggested some supplements that I’ve tried before but maybe this time, right? His theory about why I can’t digest oils was interesting -- what was that theory, again? Something about how your bile travels from your liver to your gallbladder, and when you eat, everything moves into your intestines and that’s what makes oil absorbable. I don’t think I’m summarizing that quite right, but the basic idea was that when your liver is overtaxed trying to deal with a toxic overload, as I’m sure mine is, and has been for a while, then it can’t do the work to help with digestion too. Or, I’m not sure that makes any sense at all. Oh, no -- here comes the fireplace smell, filling my apartment -- the naturopath suggested an air purifier, but I already gave up on air purifiers, although then I was realizing how small my bedroom is, and maybe that means an air purifier would actually work. I gave my other one away. I don’t know -- something else to buy, first I need a shower filter. No, first I need to get out of here and go on a walk.

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