Tuesday, February 08, 2011

Facades

Here’s the thing about hooking up over the internet, I mean when it actually happens and I’m standing there assessing this person, trying to figure out whether I find him attractive. So often there’s a disconnect between who they say they are and what happens when they arrive, like this person who said he was 35 but he’s definitely a generation older than me, that I can tell, even though I don’t know how many years that means since a generation is so vague yet so present in gay life and I do like that he’s queeny, that makes me comfortable in the lining of his jacket so soft, must be expensive the way he places it so carefully on my table. What’s the point of describing the sex, while it’s happening I guess it’s okay but mostly it makes me think that I don’t know if the internet will ever work for me in this way, the way I’m working to find an attraction and it’s not that it’s not there, just that once it’s over it feels like nothing, something familiar like turning a trick but softer and more distant. I don’t like that distance.

Then he’s talking about how everything in Santa Fe is so far left, some people he knows even call themselves Marxists, what about the 150 million dead people? There’s too much wrong with that one sentence to do anything about it -- I hate it when people believe the mythologies of the towns where they live, he grew up in this one, so familiar the rhetoric from San Francisco about how far out everything is, just another part of how everything remains in place to facilitate more exploitation, more corruption, more vicious lies and maybe a cute liberal welcoming facade, and then the part about Marxism and 150 million people dead, of course he means Stalin and Lenin and really, why does he insist on making that what Marxism means, even when I’m sure these people he knows keep telling him.

Not that I care much about Marxism, I just hate stupid lies. Santa Fe is a charade, that’s what he ends up talking about when he’s talking about architecture, the old buildings crumbled and rebuilt and then they still claim the building is from 1600. The Victorian houses covered up with fake adobe facades from the ‘30s, this is all interesting but I can’t help thinking about the rest of what he says too, and why are we here, standing by the door, soon he’s on his way and I’m left thinking more.

2 comments:

Oli said...

the way I’m working to find an attraction and it’s not that it’s not there, just that once it’s over it feels like nothing, something familiar like turning a trick but softer and more distant. I don’t like that distance.

That was really well put. It stirs in specific moments or acts but since it's like shopping, it's hard to make it run deep.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Thank you, Oli -- hard to run deep, indeed!

Love--
mattilda