Monday, February 21, 2011

Once in a while

I keep staring at the screen from the distance, that’s how a 0 becomes a 1 becomes a 0, yes it’s my vision, division, we all have these separate email addresses for online cruising now, but why? So that our inboxes don’t get filled with drain my load or whatever, so that our identity remains separate from our identity, so that we can hide from it all, so that we can stare at the screen from the distance. The problem with banning myself from online cruising in Santa Fe is that I don’t know what other kind of cruising I’m going to find. Maybe I should start taking the bus to the porn shop, or taking a taxi and then standing there in the midst of strip mall hell, trying to get aroused or wait for the bus without too much pollution in my face. What about when I get dehydrated, and need water? Will I walk down the street to try to find that Walgreens? And food, what about food? Maybe I should start going to the bar -- no, that’s not going to happen. For now I’ll ban myself for a week, and see what happens.

And yes, in the middle of my sleep I’m thinking yes, I’m so glad I’ve banned myself from online cruising, yes it feels like a relief. Until I get up, and I feel slightly horny through all of this fatigue and then I think about checking that email, the separate one that includes SF in the name and address so I didn’t even have to change it, I guess I didn’t ban myself from checking the email but really, forget about it, the only thing more depressing than cruising online is the terrible sex that happens once in a while.

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