Saturday, February 12, 2011

The rest I need

Oh, these wired moments in my bed, moments when everything feels clear in my head, all these thoughts competing for space and when I wake up in the middle of the night it’s the same train of thought, continuing as if I wasn’t even sleeping but still I start to get a little excited at first when I realize I just thought of the perfect word, the perfect word to replace rhetoric, “Mission dyke rhetoric” is the end of the sentence and I realize why Jory asked for me to explain, even though I felt like it was so clear, everything leading up to that point. This is in my new book, The End of San Francisco, the one I’m immersed in doing a final edit on now. Or, almost a final edit, because I might want to go through the middle of it again after this edit. But anyway I realize rhetoric is the wrong word, it’s too big, there wasn’t really something called Mission dyke rhetoric, exactly -- that makes it sound like there were slogans or something, but I just mean the emptiness of a false sense of community, that’s what I want to convey. Here in bed where my mind isn’t where it should be, even though I have that realization, and I think of the perfect replacement, then when I wake up I remember the realization but I can’t remember the new word. I can tell myself I’ll remember it later, and I will, I will remember it later, but right now this forgetting just makes me angrier about those wired moments pulling away the rest I need.

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