Monday, March 28, 2011


I wake up early even though I went to bed way later than usual, not necessarily a good sign but I kind of feel okay -- let me try a few things before I get up: a body scan, starting with the toes that I can never get quite right, up the legs to pelvis, there’s the bloating, burping but it doesn’t exactly hurt, arms, hugging the body pillow, chest, neck, yes I still think I feel awake. Let me sense into my breath, belly, the way my tongue goes in as I inhale, out as I exhale, I’ll try that technique where you press your tongue against the corner of your mouth when you inhale, let it go as you exhale, reversing the pattern, a technique to fall back asleep and yes my eyes go dark, I sink a little but then my head is awake again, doesn’t feel wired and desperate or wired and crazed, so today, I’ll get up.

Outside there’s a different experience of the light, filling my eyes so I almost can’t see what’s up ahead in one direction, so many birds even more than usual and then when I turn around there’s a whole different tableau, because my chair as a different angle I always face it right into the sun or right away, and before when I noticed the daffodils coming up in my garden I was kind of annoyed -- who ever heard of desert daffodils? Reminded me too much of the East Coast and childhood, but now I realize they’re kind of pretty, just two blooming for now and I guess there’s going to be a lot of blooming here, how is the pollen count already so high when nothing is blooming?

Okay, I feel myself crashing but I don’t fight it, go back inside and guess what? There’s a cancellation of the doctor’s office -- I can actually go in today, before Randy arrives from San Francisco, and figure out what the next step is for treating those glamorous parasites. The birds are chirping, the sun is shining, daffodils are starting to bloom -- oh, and I actually had a hot hookup from craigslist last night, a nice surprise and that’s why I was up late, also because I kind of got wired from the party and that’s what led to craigslist, thought it was a dead end like usual but no, a cute guy who likes my apartment and at the end we even end up talking about Joanne and Chrissie, he notices the pictures in the front of my apartment and so I tell him about my dead friends, he asks about Make/shift too because the new issue is on the table and he wants to know if I’ve heard about Butch magazine, is that what it’s called?

Butch -- no, I don’t think I’ve heard of it. Oh, wait -- you mean Bitch, right?

And then today I wake up early but not too drained yet, I’ll get ready for the doctor’s office and hope that the medication doesn’t poison me.

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