Saturday, March 12, 2011

Sitting in exhaustion

Here I am, sitting in exhaustion, trying to do something, anything, or nothing, and then I realized maybe I can go sit outside in the sun, even though the sun is down in my driveway/yard it’s still out on the sidewalk, I’ll drag one of the chairs over there. Oh okay, this is beautiful, bare feet on the sidewalk, sun hat protecting, I can’t even see the looks on the faces of the people who pass, mostly in cars, oh no car exhaust, sometimes on foot.

So then I get a little bit of energy, sun lifting it into my body and I meditate on the light hitting asphalt, cracks in the road, ants crawling on the sidewalk, weeds, something like childhood the memories of these things. But then almost as soon as the energy starts I start to crash again, trying to bring it back but there’s dry wind too dry this dryness, suddenly sun feels overwhelming but I don’t want to move until I feel a little bit better, it’s after 4 pm and only 60° in March so I know I’m not getting burnt. Eventually I give up, too much wind, I go back inside.

I guess that was one of the things about Albuquerque: no wind. Everything felt still and framed, somehow my allergies weren’t as bad it felt calmer there in a way, the weather not as extreme. The neighborhood that’s supposed to be gay just another postcard of LA, falling into decay as soon as you leave the main streets but on those main streets straight and white and normal and boring, maybe the gay part is the part where the glistening ends, the opposite of in most places and I didn’t really get a chance to explore that much, crossing the big ugly street in the hot sun, back in forth to look for what I didn’t find. West of downtown seemed more interesting although mostly abandoned and I was only there briefly, discovering the books and music store that Justin recommended and I loved, it’s mostly when I asked if they had a bathroom, he said sorry, not a functioning bathroom, and I asked what about a functioning alley, yes, rushed outside and then back to look at the books for a moment before catching the bus back to the train.

And yes, I did like that bus, the #66, I took it four times -- always it was crowded but there was a seat, it came frequently, that was my urban fix I guess and then when I got back to Santa Fe I couldn’t figure out what I was doing in Albuquerque, it just seemed so strange to be there, wandering around although why exactly, strange to be back too although I did notice the dramatic shift in the air, oh this incredible air when it’s not choking with car exhaust or fireplace fumes or allergies -- soft and clearing and then when I got into my apartment I thought oh, this is incredible, I love this, but here I am again loving my apartment and I’m not sure about the rest.

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