Thursday, April 21, 2011

Maybe something else

Today I feel worse. Not because of my mother’s visit, which actually felt almost calming in the way I anticipated, kind of a tunnel, a time of errands and financial assistance, a few easier moments that always give way to the pain of loss in the distance, the pain that never ends but actually right now I’m feeling the pain in my gut again, why is it worse today? Waking up from a dream about this closeted dyke PE teacher from high school, and then I was thinking about all the closeted teachers and were any of them supportive, just one, a French teacher, and what about the principal, was he a closeted fag too and was that why he seemed to hate me and Erik so much? And then thinking about students, and even this one who became a playwright and her friendship with the dyke PE teacher that ended in scandal one year after I left, graduated I mean, all of this is in my head an investigation that somehow sounds empowering, but then when I get out of bed I realize oh, the pain, why is it worse?

Then I’m so tired I can’t even go on a walk. I mean I could go on a walk, I would like to go on a walk, but soon I’ll be walking to feldenkrais and that’s a mile away so I think I need to conserve my energy. But then I just feel worse, worse and worse, sitting here trying to get the bloating to go away, walking around, stepping outside, taking glutamine which is supposed to soothe everything but I think it makes me shit, maybe that’s kind of soothing but I’m just as exhausted, didn’t sleep that awfully I don’t think, probably I’m still worn out from those drugs, called the doctor’s office because they’re back today, tried to act super-friendly because it’s not the receptionist’s fault, just said simply: I’m still waiting for a prescription I can’t fill because it was called in wrong. Oh, she said, can I have someone call you back? Yes, definitely.

That was over two hours ago -- no one has called back yet, what is their problem? This medication was supposed to be urgent I thought, probably just more pain but maybe something else, right? Maybe something else? Maybe?

No comments: