Monday, April 25, 2011

Moist air

But what’s going on -- I actually feel better today! Is it something about the weather -- nothing could be more gorgeous and calming than a cloudy day in Santa Fe, except a cloudy day when there’s actually humidity in the air. Believe it or not, sometimes it’s cloudy here and the humidity is like 10% -- what is it now, let me check. 49% -- that’s like a world record, it even rained like 16 drops earlier on when I was walking home, no maybe 600 drops but no, not enough to get me or the ground even slightly moist. But anyway -- I love this moisture in the air, thank you!

And then, I kind of feel like suddenly I have all this time, because I’m not meeting my mother at 2 pm every day, hanging out until I’m ready to get ready for bed. So that makes me wonder about all that sadness and exhaustion, how much related to my mother, how much to that awful flagellation drug, and how much to my usual sadness and exhaustion? Because actually it feels like it lifted once she left, does that usually happen? I mean, I thought that usually I sink into a deep dark bottomless despair, that familiar childhood surrounding, but now that I think about it again I remember that when I left my grandmother’s house and my mother last time I saw her, got on the train to New York and immediately something lifted. So complicated figuring out these layers -- but anyway, today I feel better, not as overwhelmed or weighted down. Two walks that didn’t really drain me, cleared my head actually, staring at all those luscious clouds up high and everything growing down low, pulled some things out of the sidewalk to plants in my garden.

And, the pink drug isn’t wrecking me-- at least not yet, maybe this is the one, the one that helps. Maybe it’s helping? Too early to say, but at least I had a good day, hunting for all those Easter eggs on craigslist and no, I didn’t find a sex life or anything, but I’ll take a good day over bad sex anytime, maybe even over good sex. I guess good sex and a good day would be even better, but I’m not going to push it, I mean if there were somewhere to go to search for good sex, then I would push it, but for now I think I’ll go back outside and breathe in some more of that moist air.

2 comments:

Campbell B. said...

Pink is so your color. Hope that's a good sign that the medication will keep working for you. :-)

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

That's true – I do love pink, and it did seem like it was helping for a day or two, but oh no, then there's today...

At least I only had to take this one for four days, now I guess it's time to wait and see…

Love –
mattilda