Monday, April 18, 2011

Questions, questions, questions

Another question that never fails to drain me -- not that it’s a bad question, I just don’t know the answer: how is Santa Fe? Or, maybe I know the answer, but it exhausts me, I’m exhausted. Or, another question that drains me: how is your health? That one I do know the answer to: terrible! I definitely feel worse. Even the one thing that I thought would immediately be better -- my sinuses -- that’s pretty much the same. Before I had a sinus headache because of the mold and the pollution, now I have a sinus headache because of the dryness and allergies -- different allergies than before, so the headache is a little different, but not better. Everything else is about the same, or worse. But I’m not going to make any pronouncements -- I do remember that I’m here to get better, so I’m still trying, trying to get better.

But how is Santa Fe? Well, it’s stunningly beautiful -- I love going on walks, the light is always spectacular, my apartment is incredible. Santa Fe is totally different than anywhere else I’ve lived -- smaller, more spread out -- people socialize in different ways, and it’s interesting to figure that out. But I do feel more isolated -- most people seem to live in their own little worlds, which is kind of okay because I guess I live in my own world too, but because of car culture and the way that everyone is so spread out, mostly these worlds seem separate from a direct engagement with my life. There’s no street culture except tourism, and whenever there’s a density of interaction it still feels like an island. Can’t really figure out how I’ll ever have a sex life that means something -- not that I had that figured out in San Francisco or anything, but here I can’t even find fags on the queer continuum, maybe I’ll have a craigslist hookup that feels vaguely connected, and then the guy will send me an email saying he’s never had sex with someone who’s turned tricks or done hard drugs, and should he be worried? Should he get tested for anything?

Okay, now I’m getting exhausted again -- see what I mean?

2 comments:

thissouthernfaggot said...

"Another question that never fails to drain me -- not that it’s a bad question, I just don’t know the answer: how is Santa Fe?"

I feel the exact same way. People always ask it in passing, in the same way you ask "how are you doing". But when you ask that you don't really want to know, right? I mean, you don't want to really have me start on a rant about my garden, or downtown at night, or the river, or my attic, or how I feel about summer finally getting here, or the shitty & fucked up punk scene, or the shitty & fucked up fag scene. I mean, that would take too long, right? I guess it's also too complicated to ever talk about in passing, which are the only conversations I seem to have anymore. When people ask, I guess I will just stick with "eh, its fine".

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

I know what you mean, my dear! Sometimes I think that people do want to know, though, and I guess that's comforting in a way -- no, you know what I don't know if it is comforting, maybe if it comes in the context of so many more conversations, but by itself it just ends up draining me...

And, sometimes, it ends up draining me anyway -- but, maybe that's not necessarily the fault of the question, we now I'm getting confused and exhausted, oh no...

Love --
mattilda