Friday, April 29, 2011

Under a million

Well, I certainly don’t identify as gay or a man, but since I’m in Santa Fe and I can’t figure out how on earth to meet fags, I’m off to a gay men’s discussion group. The topic this week is whether you identify with all the elements included in the acronym LGBTQ, so I’m imagining that all these gay men are going to talk about how no, they don’t relate to the rest at all, and then I can talk about how I don’t relate to gay men. Usually the meeting is at a church, but it’s Easter Monday so the church is closed and the meeting is taking place at the Friendship House, the local sobriety center, which makes me nervous but not necessarily more nervous than a church. As I’m walking up, someone says uh oh from inside a parked car, I guess that’s a good sign. I turn and respond with my own uh oh, even though I can’t see who’s inside.

I’m about eight minutes late, and when I step inside the room everyone turns -- mostly gay men in their 50s and 60s, all pretty much blending into some version of normalcy at least on the outside -- some of them look at me like I’m an alien creature, and some look like they’re excited, I join the circle. We break up into two groups, and guess what? Everyone says they don’t understand why anyone would have a problem with lesbians, several of them have lesbian neighbors and lesbian best friends, but most say they don’t know much about the people represented by the other letters of the acronym. At first there seems to be a consensus that there aren’t divisions between gay men and lesbians in Santa Fe, that everyone hangs out together, which is certainly not my experience, and then someone else talks about how he thinks everyone hangs out in little groups, and the groups disband every five years, and then everyone has nothing. Someone else talks about going to dinner with four of his lesbian friends, all of them in their 50s, and everyone just talked about how lonely and alienated they felt, and why is everyone so lonely if everyone's looking?

I talk about how I relate much more to dykes and queers outside of conventional norms than gay men, who so often seem apolitical and obsessed with status and career, masculinity and consumerism, and then someone actually says something about how marriage has become the central issue, but he thinks that civil rights should come first. I swear I didn’t say a word about marriage beforehand. They all seem to agree, actually -- marriage doesn’t matter to them, but they do think that people should have hospital visitation rights. Apparently the local hospital, which is Catholic-run, has a terrible history when it comes to hospital visitation for same-sex couples or anyone not blood-related, but no clear policy. Everyone thinks this should change, but they see it as a civil right, not something relating to marriage, which of course flies against the grain of the mainstream gay movement. One guy says something about how he and his partner have spent all this money in two different states, and it has gotten them nothing.

I’m kind of fascinated by the conversation, my place inside and outside it -- I get a ride from someone who’s 62 and came out three years ago, he and his wife of 18 years got a divorce once he realized he was gay, and his spiritual teacher told him she had always known, gave him permission to change his life. He lives in El Dorado and he’s kind of a hermit -- I say there are lots of hermits in El Dorado, right? I ask him if he’s going to the group next week, would he mind picking me up? It’s a deal.

So then I go inside and I actually feel kind of excited -- wasn’t expecting to have any energy at all after the group, since I was already exhausted beforehand, but now I’m ready for a walk or maybe I’ll check to see if there are any sexual possibilities -- I’m on that cruise site where it’s pretty much always the same people, I send messages to the ones who say they reply to anyone, and then they don’t reply. Or just one person, in this case, and then there is someone with a pretty glamorous picture of his ass and that kind of gets me hot, why not, so I say I’m not usually a total top or anything, but your picture did get me excited, apparently he’s drunk at the gay bar, using his mobile application for the first time, telling me about his big shower, he unlocks his face picture, arms up behind his head framing a tan and slim, sculpted body, face a bit blurry but undeniably cute in that disastrously clean-cut sort of way. Lots more messages and I’m not sure it’s really going to happen, but then he gives me his room number at the La Fonda, a perfect walk and remember I wanted a walk, right?

So then I’m on my way, walking too fast and when I get there it doesn’t seem as fancy as I thought it would be, I walk around and around looking for his room number, just when I think I’ll never find it there’s a security guard to point me in the right direction but turns out I’m already there, just around the corner. I hear the shower running from the hallway. He opens the door, damn he’s hot, older and not such a perfect body and hotter too is what I’m thinking. I kiss him and he’s frantic in that drunk way, grabbing my dick and jerking way too fast, what are you doing? I just want to keep making out with his wild tongue, hands all over his head, but I guess I’ll go down for his cock so he stops pulling at mine, then at least I’ll get hard.

I pull off my jacket, get on my knees and immediately he’s grabbing my head and thrusting as hard as he can, I’ll take that, maybe he’ll come down my throat is what I’m thinking -- he’s moaning and saying yeah get it nice and wet-- no problem, and then he pulls me up, we’re pulling off our clothes and kind of laughing, I like that, as soon as I’m naked he grabs me from behind and pushes me onto the bed, kind of surprising since I thought he was the one who wanted to get fucked and here he is holding me from behind, that amazing feeling of safety and vulnerability I love, and then he shoves his dick into my ass just like that, in that way that makes me speechless because first of all I can’t believe it went in that easily, second that it doesn’t hurt, and third this is why I don’t let guys hold me from behind anymore, I angle away if someone's dick starts getting close to that place of possibility I mean that’s how I’ve stayed so safe over the last several years for the most part. But now I’m getting fucked, fast and hard and I’m trying to think fast too, when his dick slips out I turn around to suck his cock again, a good place to think although can I get parasites from eating my own shit, guess I’m already taking medication.

He says something about the shower, which is still running, steam coming out of the bathroom, but that just makes me think of dry skin and no place for a condom, so I say you can fuck me out of here, why don’t you put on a condom? Do you have one, he says? Yeah, and I take it out of one of my pockets, buried underneath shampoo and conditioner so I wouldn’t have to use the awful scented hotel products in case the shower really did happen. Do you have a lube? Yeah, I say, and the night is saved as I pull it out of the other pocket, inside two plastic bags because you know how that silicone stuff always gets over everything, I hand it to him, he rubs it on my ass and I take the opportunity to grab his head and taste his tongue again, he turns me around, angles me over the bed or no he turns me around and I angle myself over the bed, he shoves it in again like he’s never heard of foreplay but somehow it works, guess I’m at a different point or maybe it’s because he’s already been in my ass, whatever it is he’s fucking me hard, pulling it out and stuffing it back in like I’ve never really been able to take before, sometimes I have to slow him down and he says I want you face-down on the bed. I lie on my back because that sounds better, but the angle doesn’t work for his impatience, he says lean over the bed again and it’s hotter that way anyway, have to pull his hands away from my dick so I don’t come yet, I’m grabbing his balls, teasing his asshole with a finger, he pushes that away, which makes me wonder if his fetish isn’t to advertise bottoming then turn someone around and stick it in, doesn’t matter because it’s working out better anyway, I mean it does matter ethically the way he’s counting on my desire the way they all count on it when they stick it in without asking, without a condom, but actually I’m not thinking about that now I’m just thinking about it how good it feels, which is what he's saying and I’m so glad that I figured out a way to bring the condom into the scene or no I’m not thinking about any of this just about how good it feels and he says I’m going to come, I want to come inside you, and I reach back and make sure he didn’t pull off the condom, then he’s moaning and grabbing my chest just the way I like it, then pulling away, condom in his hand he goes to the bathroom.

I grab him from behind, kissing his neck while he’s washing up, I say is this okay because that’s the way I am, he says yeah come on me, I say turn around. I’m jerking off, aiming for his dick, I say hold my balls and he grabs too hard, softer I say and then I shoot right for the place just below his belly button, he says oh it’s a mess, turns off the shower, I grab his head for more kissing, ask for a washcloth.

Back in the other room, I ask him if he lives here. Yeah, in this hotel room, he says. Oh okay, I say. He says no, I live in LA but I’m looking for a place here -- my parents live here, but not too close to them. Where are you looking, I say. Somewhere outside of town, but not too far. Tesuque? I can’t afford that -- I’m thinking Hyde Park Road. It’s beautiful there, I say. How much are you looking to spend, I ask. Definitely under a million, he says.

I was going to help him by talking about cheap rentals, but now I’m thinking about what kind of person says that so casually: definitely under a million. I’m guessing we’re about the same age, even though his profile says nine years younger. Don’t get me wrong -- I do that all the time on craigslist, but for some reason I tell the truth on the cruise sites, maybe because it’s me with a face picture and everything and why lie even though everyone else is lying, even though everyone else expects you to lie, and this guy whose name is Matt grabs my pants like he’s going to put them on, notices the error, hands them to me. I say you can try them on if you want -- I like the dynamic between us, kind of aggressive and joking and cheerful too, and it reminds me of that kind of sex while drinking I mean the way he’s drinking and that’s where he gets this energy, I’m getting it from him.

Walking home it doesn’t nearly as cold as before, kind of fun taking that tiny wooden bridge over the so-called river, walking through the courtyard of the state buildings, by the time I get near my place I decide I’m going to take the alley even though it’s too dark at this time of night, I’ll just jump to the side if I hear a car, and when I get back home I figure I’ll send this guy a message, telling him that was hot and we should stay in touch, that’s what we said at the hotel but I might as well say it again, right? He’s already sent me a message: were u doing blow when we met? i heard u sniffing and just wondering. totally cool either way.

Oh, now he’s gotten to the point where he needs drugs, I know that point too, for a second I think about how it would be fun to spend more time with him getting coked out except really that would be hideous and horrible so I just say what I originally intended to say. Then I wait around too long to see if he responds, do the dishes, get ready for bed, look again, turn off the computer, and when I look again in the morning he’s already deleted his profile.


Jory M. Mickelson said...

I am seeing the letters say LGBTQI and now A for ally. There is a scarlet letter for you!

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Darling, I will take the scarlet letter, but alas I will not take A for ally, perhaps I should start brainstorming other A words...

Love –

Bob "Hope" 52rdnydngrfld52 Oslo, Nownway H.E.P. said...

other A words...

Always your writing will be challenging and affirming for people who are pursuing an identity sort of autonomy.

The part - "why lie even though everyone else is lying, even though everyone else expects you to lie"
really touched me.

And a new book!
Why haven't I been checking your blog more often???

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Bob, I love the new A, thank you!!!

And, glad that part about lying/not lying touched you…

And yes yes, a new book, coming Valentine's Day 2012…

Love –