Wednesday, May 25, 2011

A good question

No more rain, just lots of wind blowing the dust everywhere, especially when I'm waiting for the bus on Cerrillos, at the bus stop without any shelter, I mean one of the endless number of bus stops without shelter – who needs shelter? Just sit outside in the sun, the heat, the wind, the car exhaust, rain, snow. Now I'm inside, thinking about going for a walk except something happened that made me too tired, so now I'm trying to write to get outside of all this fatigue, it kind of worked the other day but not now, what should I do now? I hate the book that I'm reading, but it’s short, and I don't feel like stopping before the end. I mean I don't feel like reading something else before finishing this book, why this loyalty I don't know. I thought maybe I should watch something, but actually I'm too tired for that. I was doing dishes, but then my arms started aching. No, not aching – burning. What was that realization I had at therapy? Not a realization, but a question. About consistency.

That's right – consistency. Or rather, inconsistency. I get overwhelmed by it – when people say one thing and do the exact opposite, over and over and over again this seems to happen in my relationships, even the ones that seem the most consistent. Until.

I think this started because I was talking about almost committing to organize a project that was my idea, but then once me and a friend started discussing the details I felt more exhausted than I’ve felt in a while. And that's saying a lot, right? I mean while we were talking I was wired, but as soon as we were done it was hard for me to think about ever doing anything again in my life, anything and everything sounded like too much effort, including getting up from the chair at my kitchen table.

And the point of the project was for me to feel more grounded here in Santa Fe, but once I got that exhausted I realized oh, I can't organize this project right now, so I called my friend right away to say so – I mean I needed to say so right away, because otherwise I would just do it, and it would continue to drain me, but I would do it anyway, because I’d committed to it.

Oh – but first, at therapy, I was talking about a conversation with Socket, where she was saying she didn't want to move anywhere again where she didn't have a support network in place, and then she listed the places where she feels those networks, and I said I guess the only places where I could move and have an already existing support network would be San Francisco or New York. But then as soon as I got off the phone I thought no, that's not true at all. I don't have a support network in San Francisco or New York – I mean those are the places where I know the most people, the cities I know the best, but I don't think there are more than a few people I could count on in either place. That was one of the reasons I left San Francisco – I’d hated it culturally and emotionally for so long, but I felt like at least I had a support system, until that collapsed, and then I felt like I had nothing – maybe an apartment with a beautiful view and a mold problem, a neighborhood I liked to walk around in, but that was about all.

But back to consistency, the flipside of abandonment, hopelessness, betrayal – or maybe not exactly the flip side, but kind of. I guess sometimes consistency is a problem, like when I do something just because I agreed to do it. Although sometimes that doesn't feel like a problem, as long as I'm following through, right? I need everything feels like a problem sometimes, doing anything I need, really anything, but then the therapist asked about the way I need to act like I'm okay in order to exist in the world, and whether that’s inconsistent.

I guess it’s the only way I can survive – it’s not inconsistent in terms of reliability, but yes it is acting entirely different from how I feel, in a way. I mean sometimes that's how I feel in the moment, and then as soon as I'm out of the public eye I'm a disaster. I guess the question is what would it look like to feel horrible, and emote horrible, and still interact in the world. To me that doesn't feel like a possibility, and I guess that means it's a good question.

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