Monday, May 30, 2011


The clouds roll in, and the humidity drops dramatically. Will someone explain this? But that was yesterday – today is the hottest day yet this year, 76 degrees on my morning walk, so that means by the evening it will almost surely be in the 80s. Last night I woke up a few hours after getting in bed, needed to rush to the bathroom to shit uncontrollably for a while – not sure what happened. At least I thought the bloating would go away with everything else inside my intestines heading down the toilet clogged, okay not clogged anymore, but even after all that clogging and unclogging there's still this awful intestinal pain.

But what makes my walk better than yesterday? Further, calmer, more interesting – why exactly, I'm not sure. Looking at all the weird things growing, but I always look at all the weird things growing. The sun on my t-shirt, almost too warm – what happens when it's 20 degrees warmer? I guess I'll see. Today the heat isn't bothering me too much, although my right foot hurts a lot, and that got much worse the day I wore sandals, because of the arch support, why do they have to put arch supports in everything? I mean Earth shoes were so great for me for a while, but then they added arch supports. I wish there were some kind of machine that you could put your shoes in, and the machine would pound down the arch supports so that the shoes would actually match your feet, because I'm going to have to wear sandals a lot this summer – I haven't worn sandals since the time I lived at the beach, Provincetown 11 years ago, but that first time I wore them here, in the car with Justin, I felt so much better – not as overheated. That's the biggest risk for me with this heat – driving around in metal boxes everything gets so much warmer.

And here at the computer, actually – starting around this time of the day, when the sun pours in directly from the skylight, I just called my landlord to ask about blinds for the skylight, but that will probably take a while. I asked for a screen door a few months ago, and my landlord said yes, but I haven't heard from any contractor yet. At least the kitchen faucet got fixed, now it's shiny and new and it doesn't even leak.

But I wanted to tell you about my first great walk in a while – I've had good ones, but not great ones, but this one was great. What made the difference? Well, I started out at dusk, entered the railyard with all this music coming from the Second Street Brewery, and wow, this enormous dog tied up outside the patio, should I go over and say hello? Yes, and what a soft and friendly dog, kind of like one of those bulldog-types that I always think are cute, except 10 times the size, probably about as big as me, and licking my fingers, a new friend. Then I keep walking, and it's not like I have energy, but I'm able to walk anyway without energy, and there's something about how this is the first warm night, more people out, and I'm just wearing a T-shirt and pants, plus a hat I guess, and the way the breeze blows on my arms but doesn't feel cool, something about all this makes me like summer I guess, now it's dark and I'm on Alameda, wondering if I should turn around, but first let me turn left, walk a little further, somewhere new, I think there's another bridge over the river up a few blocks.

I guess this is the way I can walk in my fatigue and then it becomes something else, of course this isn't always true, but I guess on this night, as the dark makes everything brighter somehow, and then when I get back to the railyard, there's some guy who's watching me, I mean he was walking behind me, now he's sitting down and looking over, and even though I'm not attracted to him I get that rush in my head or not just in my head but my groin, like an instant hard-on, ready for sex in the park, just because of that situation that doesn't happen here, that doesn't happen anywhere as much, I'm turned on by the possibilities of desire in a public engagement and there's the energy from the walk that will soon become exhaustion again I mean I can already feel it but there’s that sense of adventure too and even though this guy probably isn't cruising me, just resting is what I decide after looking back a few times, then I look some more at the strange things growing in the railyard, I love these strange things and soon enough I'm home, a long walk really, a whole hour maybe, slowly, very slowly, and then I end up cruising online even though now I've crashed, wanting the place before the crash but I don't find it, watch that silly porn again, probably East European boys in an orgy setting and what I like is the gestures that actually feel genuine, like this one guy walking around and touching some guy's chest while he's getting fucked or looking up at some guy getting a blow job with something like awe, a smile on his face almost and you rarely see any of that in porn, right? Sure, most of these guys are trying to approximate that hideous vagueness known the world over as "American"– bleached blonde hair, waxed bodies, tanning salon, too much time at the gym – but then there's this one guy who I keep waiting for, the one who’s watching as much as he's participating, participating even when he's watching, same body but paler, thick curly dark hair, oh there he is again and I don't really want to come exactly, until I do, then I'm more tired and still have to finish the dishes, time for bed.

No comments: