Wednesday, May 04, 2011

The tall gangly flowers with leaves at the very bottom that turn orange when they get dry

Somehow I wake up feeling like today's the day, the day when I have energy because I actually slept okay, but sadly this delusional moment only lasts until I leave the house, walk for 10 or 15 minutes to get to my doctor's appointment and then I'm a mess, the doctor is asking all these annoying questions like what does it mean when I feel terrible or what does it mean when I feel worse or – I don't know – all these annoying questions and whenever I explain something she doesn't really seem to understand so why am I trying to understand I mean explain it just makes me more exhausted and annoyed and over it and ready to leave. Then she's asking me about anorexia again, why is she asking me about anorexia? I mean I was anorexic when I was a teenager and that was 20 years ago and now I regret I even said anything, she brings it up every time. I don't even want to talk about the doctor anymore, I thought it would make me feel less exhausted but now I feel more exhausted, and also my hands are sweating, why are my hands sweating, something about how when it's warmer out during the day then at night it suddenly get warmer I mean even when it's cooler out it's warmer inside. Then the doctor gave me some kind of cream to put up my nose so that it doesn't get so dried out in all of this desert air, but I'm pretty sure that this fucking cream contains some kind of synthetic fragrance, really a fragrance I can smell it but I put it in my nose anyway and then my nose starts running, and after that the cream dries out my nose and I have to put some other oil in – oh, the desert the doctor the desert the doctor!

Then my mother is trying to tell me to go to some other stupid doctor, I mean talk to her gastroenterologist and what the fuck is that going to do, I mean really, I mean she's already suggested this stupid doctor about 45 times and I already went to see a gastroenterologist and he wanted me to get an endoscopy because he owns the endoscopy clinic, I mean he said it was just a routine procedure to stick a tube down your throat and pull out some tissue, of course it wouldn't hurt. But I don't have a problem in my throat, I mean not before the endoscopy anyway, which my mother also thought was crazy and that is why she wanted me to talk to this gastroenterologist who isn't even in the same city as me, just what I need – another fucking doctor. I mean I didn't get the endoscopy, don't worry. But anyway here's my doctor who I kind of like in some ways but just waiting in her office makes me feel edgy there's no air in this room and the probiotics she gave me that are supposed to heal my gut just immediately gave me a horrible intestinal cramp and it made me feel like she wasn't listening to me, why did she give me something so complicated, something that tasted like Sweet Tarts I guess because of the vitamin C which she thinks is necessary but I can't take any of it, even 1/8 of a teaspoon gave me pain and she wants to know if everything is worse or if something is better, no everything is worse. But especially my energy, that's what the medication really did it brought me so so much lower and I knew that would happen but now that it’s happening it feels like a shock.

She wants to know if I'm suicidal – another annoying fucking question that I guess they have to ask, but I didn't say anything about feeling suicidal I don't feel suicidal I just feel horrible, completely exhausted, I mean everything is always an effort but now everything feel so much harder, all that sadness surrounding me in my exhaustion and making everything worse and the thing I hate the most, except when the doctor asks about anorexia, is when she sort of finishes my sentences for me, and of course finishes them wrong, because now they're not my sentences and I guess I'm going to do another stool test to see if the medication did anything to the parasites or if it was all just an attack on me, oh me, my life, get me out of his office please, okay great first I have to pay $150 and I mean she did say that at least she could fix the problem of finding a nose balm, but not even that, I could call the compounding pharmacy to find out what oil they use, she didn’t know, it's not petroleum, but now we already know that I stuck it up my nose and why, oh another why, here's my mother on the phone and the sad thing is that after I get off I want to call her back and tell her about the plants, the ones we got to plant outside, how they're doing, I mean I told her that some of them were doing well and some of them needed too much water, but I didn't tell her about this one succulent with the delicate leaves that spreads out so fast, the tall gangly flowers with leaves at the very bottom that turn orange when they get dry, the grasses alternating between gray-blue and whitish tan-brown, with little spindly parts, what do you call those?

Oh, and another thing the doctor asks: do you experience joy? Yes I experience joy, but it fades so fast – I mean just then I was talking about the plants, growing outside, thinking of those colors and shapes and watching them change, but then I thought about your annoying question again. And yes, I experience so much less joy now, I mean since the medication sucked out so much of my – so much of my what? So much of my cushion – sure, I see one of those tiny birds, and notice the red feathers by it’s head, that childlike excitement at discovery, but then it's back to this broken shut-off empty crowded losing it longing help no help no help I mean I'm so fucking drained that it's hard even to channel that drive that always gets me something, I mean helps me to do something that will help me to do something I mean feel something other than this feeling that everything is too much.

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