Monday, May 23, 2011

But everything looks good with my python-trimmed suede ballerina flats!

There’s this little, no I mean tiny tiny tiny window, somewhere between waking up, and going outside to sit in the sun, and sitting inside to eat raspberries, somewhere before I sit down again to eat my first meal, yes somewhere around there there's this tiny tiny tiny window when I feel like I can actually do all these things in my head, yes all of them, yes it feels like now, now is the time, now is the time when it all starts, and then I start eating, and a few bites later it all falls away, now I'm just trying to do one thing, one tiny thing with this way tinier window, not even a window just a crack and I'm pushing pushing pushing to maybe send this one email or respond to a phone call or call the doctor to ask about the ingredients in one supplement, something like that, or okay maybe I'm trying to do three or four tiny things but anyway it all leads to here, here with this horrible headache clamping down on my temples, drilling into my sinuses, back pain between my shoulder blades, shoulders ache, feet dry eyes dry hands dry but greasy because of all the moisturizer, lips dry but not as dry as they used to be the worst part of the dryness is inside my nostrils and I look at the weather report and see that the humidity just dropped dramatically and the pollen count surged so yes, maybe all this relates, I was going to go on a walk I mean I still am going to go on a walk but now I'm not sure how it's really going to happen I mean I'm going to get dressed and put on my shoes and step out the door and something will happen, the light will be beautiful I know that because the light is already beautiful, I mean it will be beautiful if I get out before dark and even if I don't get out before dark it will be beautiful and will that help, that's what I'm wondering, I mean sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't, but still I'm wondering, still I'm wondering, does it help, what helps, if this is what helps then what helps more, more is what I need and now it's getting hot in my apartment, yes I can open the windows, especially the one right here, these windows open and stay open if I want them to and still it's so dry, time for more oil in my nose, time to do some feldenkrais, time to eat something, time to think that no I don't need to look on craigslist, I don't even want sex, yesterday I actually had sex just at the moment when I thought will my sex life ever intersect with my life, and then he called, the guy from before, a few months ago, we tried to connect again but didn't, I was waiting for him to call but he sent a text message to my landline so I didn't get it, too late I realized, we realized as he was leaving but now here he is again, I mean here he was yesterday and yes it was fun, but not exactly when I wanted it then either, I was too tired before so afterwards I was way more tired I could hardly speak I mean once he left, the whole rest of the day which was really the whole day but I did want him to come over because, well, because it's so rarely works that way, I mean he called and there he was, a block away, so anyway what am I trying to say, that I don't need or want sex now whereas yesterday I didn't need it but I kind of wanted it, maybe when I go outside I will feel something other than this headache, maybe when I get back inside I will have enough energy to do something other than watching a DVD or even worse watching some terrible terrible gay show on Logo, Andee got me started I mean I watched it once and just felt sick no not sick but awful and claustrophobic and that was months ago but now that I'm so tired I can't read too much because then it hurts so much more, everything I mean now that I'm so exhausted I mean since I took those horrible pharmaceutical medications a month ago and since then I've sunken to this much much lower level than my already low level and now I can't do much of anything because it's too exhausting, now that I'm so tired it kind of feels like an escape to watch that terrible terrible TV show I mean I haven't had a TV since I was a kid, wouldn't want one, but on the computer and no, not really an escape because it's so terrible, always terrible, the one important thing I learned was about Marc Jacobs, how this 20-year-old or maybe 18-year-old fashion model, 22 in the show so younger than 22, anyway this fashion model was Marc Jacobs’ boyfriend but Marc told him never to bring anyone over the house, that was love I mean that was a rule and one time the fashion model got drunk and brought someone over, maybe a few people, so the next day Marc Jacobs had the locks changed, instructed his security guard or assistant or assistants to take all this kid’s belongings out of the house, tell him he could never come over again and really that's all you need to know about fashion, so yes I am grateful for that anecdote that illustrates so much, even if the rest of the show illustrates nothing except nothing, surround me with nothing, lots and lots and lots of nothing, call this nothing success, success this nothing, call this nothing, hello, hello, hello, oh someone with cancer is starting a nonprofit so that cancer patients who lose their hair can borrow hats, a hat rack but why is it so hot in this corner of my apartment, the hottest corner right near the computer but also right near this window, maybe it's just my body heat as I'm writing, my body heat as I'm writing at least I'm writing.

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