Tuesday, May 31, 2011

What happens when I get back up

Oh, great – miso soup brings on the bloating – not a good sign, not a good sign at all. I started to notice that my belly button doesn't go in the way that it usually does, because of the bloating, and I'm not so sure that I'm grateful for that awareness. I didn't want to turn the music off, to start writing, and now that it's off I feel tired again. Not that I didn't feel tired before, but more tired, like I could get back in bed, but I already tried that. Had to go back outside again, to try to wake up – I watched the wind blowing the leaves everywhere, especially the little tiny hairs on the huge yucca in my yard, and the shadows they made against the adobe-colored wall, that was beautiful and at least the wind didn't feel as dry as yesterday, maybe because it's cooler out, I'm not sure, but anyway then I thought I was awake again, but now, well you already know. I guess it's time to eat. Should I put the music back on, or is it time for the news? Usually music makes me too wired while I'm eating, but maybe a little bit just before. Yes, let's try that.

I keep saying that my hands get so dry here that I have to put on moisturizer at least 10 times a day, but the truth is that it’s noon now, or 12:30 actually, and I've already put moisturizer on my hands more than 10 times. And today the humidity is 28% – a moist day for Santa Fe.

So much for that moist day – today the humidity is 4%, and I don't know if I'll ever get used to this dryness. It just feels more and more irritating, I’ve started to fantasize about Seattle and all that moist air, living on Capitol Hill with everything I need right nearby, except, maybe, what I need. I mean I didn't like living in Seattle last time around, 14 years ago I guess that was so it was a different Seattle, one much better I imagine in the way that everything is worse now, right? I mean when I moved there I was so startled by the way a middle-class suburban mentality surrounded everything, was everything, you had to move through it to find something else, if there was anything else, but then at the same time it's the only place I've ever lived where I actually felt kind of calm. Maybe not calm, but calmer. And now I'd be moving from this tiny town in the desert, where to get anything practical you have to go to 5 miles of stripmall hell, so what could feel more suburban than that?

Except all this beauty here, I'm startled every time I look. Or maybe not every time, but almost every time. Ananda said something about moving back to Maryland, and how the trees remind her of growing up there, feeling unsafe, and then I thought about how some of the trees in Seattle reminded me of that too, yes the Maryland suburbs and childhood a trap, but just some of them. Actually here when the daffodils started coming out I got kind of angry – I hate daffodils, I thought, but really I just hated the thought of that childhood landscape, bring me back my desert weirdness, but within a few weeks the daffodils shriveled up anyway and then I realized they were okay.

I need to live somewhere where there are people I can date – I'm not sure if Seattle is that place, I mean it wasn't last time really but really I wasn't looking then and at least there's a good cruising park and a terrible sex club that maybe could sometimes be fun, three of them actually, all in the same neighborhood with the coop and the pompous independent bookstore, so what more could I need? That's what it is about Seattle: it sounds easy. Except for those eight months of darkness, gloom, and all the mold, but here I am in the dryness that everyone talks about, thinking of rain, hoping for rain, what do you want for your birthday? Rain, please rain!

Instead I get 4% humidity, yes today's my birthday. I made plans to drive out somewhere and watch the sunset; now I'm just trying to decide whether to cancel those plans. Because I feel too awful for company, especially a group effort, but I guess first I'll try getting back into bed, just to see, to see what happens, what happens when I get back up.

8 comments:

nixwilliams said...

happy birthday! mine is this week, too. i hope you get rain, and i hope i don't get too much rain!

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Happy birthday to you, my dear! Maybe one day there will be rain here, but never enough, that I'm pretty sure of – but no no, not too much for you, just a lovely lovely birthday!

Love –
mattilda

proudprogressive said...

Happy birthday a day late. It can take a reallyyy long time to ajust to both the altitude and the aridity out here. I hope you feel better soon. fwiw i fantasize all the time of that other place i am gonna move to - its been 10 yrs now doing that for me at least. You might see a few drops of rain yet , or so says the forecast. Personally i believe we get rain ONLY when i see it. We could be going into a monsoon pattern early-ish but ya never know until those clouds actually open us. Keep finding beauty where you can - the desert is very challenging in many ways <---- gross understatement.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Proudprogressive, thank you for the happy birthday!

And yes yes the rain, let's root for the rain, of course it doesn't happen unless you see it :)

Love –
mattilda

Cody Coquet said...

Happy Birthday, Sugar Pie. Its raining here in Seattle. Come and hang out with us. xox.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Thank you, Cody!!!

And, yay for the rain, I will dream about it…

Love –
mattilda

Jennifer said...

Happy, Happy Birthday. So sorry to have called you on your birthday without even a wish. (I didn't know) But now that I do, just want you to know that even though you and I are both people out in the world, I am so very thankful for you.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Thank you so much, Jennifer! And, of course I can't expect you to know it's my birthday if I've never told you :)

Talk to you soon...

Love –
mattilda