Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Another ethical gamble

This dryness is too much – the new homeopathic cream for the inside of my nose isn't helping, maybe it's even making it worse? Or maybe this hot and dry thing dries me out more, today I'll try the oil I was putting in my nose before, to see if that helps more or less. Yesterday I saw a lizard, my first desert lizard, as I was walking down strip mall St. Michael's on the way to therapy I saw something jump out, almost cross my foot, run underneath the bush, it was beautiful. And then another rabbit, underneath the picnic table when I came out of the film last night, a tiny one, bounding into the distance I yelled look, a rabbit, but I don't think Mano and Jessica were quite as excited as me, those are the things that make me happy.

I'm still thinking about the fog, mist, something I won't see until next year I guess. Or, maybe if I go up further in the mountains – maybe that's something I should try. Although the driving sounds exhausting. But, that place where we watched the sunset, I should go there again, for sure. In weird moments, I think about moving back to San Francisco, just for the weather. Wouldn't that be funny? Knowing that I hate it, not wanting to be there, but liking the weather that everyone loves to complain about. It's a good balance between here and Seattle, I mean if you're thinking only about weather. Not about exhaustion, depression, hopelessness, gay consumerism, consumerism in general, scenesterism masquerading as defiance, a ridiculously overpriced landscape, somewhere I don't want to live, why do I keep thinking about San Francisco? I mean of course I keep thinking about San Francisco, but anyway I was talking about the dryness here. It's funny – I used to think of San Francisco as dry, especially on those hot summer days, ha! But the dryness here, the dry heat, walking around in it is kind of overwhelming I will say, the way it beats down on you and you need to wear a hat, and then that makes you warmer, but safer too I guess.

What will all that moisture feel like again when I go somewhere else – like health and hope and deliverance, a soft cushion, or just the grossness of mold everywhere? Oh, it's all so complicated. Today I'm trying a new supplement, something that completely disgusts me, and adrenal supplement from an animal source, but just to see, to see if it helps. I mean that's what the doctor recommended, after looking at my adrenal profile, which is both super-low and super-flat, two things you don't want, did she say that it's one of the lowest profile she's ever seen? I know she said that about other things – the immunity of my gut, vitamin D, yes I think she said that about my adrenals too. Supposedly they don't hurt the animals with this particular brand, but I guess what that means is that they don't hurt them as much, since it's hard to imagine any cows sitting around waiting for you to take some of their adrenals away, something about how they do it in the lab not from slaughtering the animals but I'm not sure. I know the doctor said the animals were not harmed, but what the hell does that mean?

I guess I can check – let me call the company. The first guy says no, they're not slaughtered, but let me put you through to someone else who can answer that for you. Okay – it's sourced from grass-fed animals in Argentina who are not given any antibiotics. But what does that mean? Are the animals slaughtered? Excuse me, the person on the phone says.

Are the animals slaughtered? Yes, they are – the adrenal gland is a key glad that you couldn't live without. Oh, no – this knotted feeling in my stomach. Should I have called first? I already took the supplement once, now if I return it they're just going to throw it away. How long am I supposed to take this anyway? I guess what made me decide to do it was when I talked to Paul Pitchford, who wrote Healing with Whole Foods, almost a vegan nutritional bible, and he said he thought it would be a good idea. So here I go, on another ride I guess, another ethical gamble.

I go on a walk. Oh, no – it's way too hot at this time of day for a walk. But I like to get out of the house as my day is starting, but after I've eaten at least once or twice, so that means high noon and oh my, it's hard to walk in this heat. Sandals hurting my feet, but I don't think I'll be able to wear covered shoes for a while, except at night when it cools off. But wait – look at that beautiful butterfly, it's huge, the largest one I've seen yet – how do butterflies deal with the heat, they look so fragile you’d think they'd wilt, but here this one goes again, soaring.

But ouch, what the hell is this headache, pulling my head apart but from the opposite direction as the usual headache, in back right by my neck I guess, am I holding my head strangely, or could it relate to that gross supplement? What's next? Next is that at least I get back home, and it doesn't feel that hot actually, I think the fabric over the skylight actually helps -- there is a little bit less light, but I can certainly deal with that if it stays cooler.

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