Monday, June 27, 2011

Jana, Jana...

Jessica and I arrive at the faerie house and this girl comes rushing out to ask for change, that obnoxious skinny faerie tweaker with the bleached braided hair extensions, she's even paler and angrier than usual from all the drugs, face contorted into something that may or may not be need and I say no, she scampers away as we're getting ready to go inside the way, where is my bag? Shit, she took my bag – Jessica, we need to get my bag!

But I can't remember that girl’s name – inside I ask about her, she took my bag – but the person I'm talking to pretends she doesn't know who I mean, or maybe she doesn't. Someone comes over, a short full-bodied woman with red hair: do you mean the one who organizes all the events, holds all the circles together, guides the intention? That's me – no, I say, that skinny trans girl who everyone hates, why do you even let her live here? But no – I don't say that exactly – just no, that skinny girl with the bleached to dreds, are they dreds or extensions, I'm just thinking that part too but yes, Jana, that's her name, and then I'm rushing around to find her before it's too late, but where's Jessica, I need her to back me up so Jana doesn't say that I'm lying.

Now it's a festival inside some kind of mall and I rush around the corner – I figure I can just offer her some money, since there's no money in my bag that's in my pocket and I don't think she could've already use my credit cards – oh, there she is, inside the diner– she’s the one who collects the money from everyone, bribes or payment I'm not sure, and I rush over to say hey, you stole my bag, but she rushes away and this cute straight indie guy working there comes over in his apron to look me right in the eye and say I’ve – got – codeine! We're almost touching wait we are touching, the lower halves of our bodies grinding together and I notice all the makeup on his face, maybe he's not straight and I'm studying the way he's applied the base, lines accentuating his cheekbones whereas from further away his face looked pale and a bit pasty, chubby, now I can see the bones. Maybe he should have chosen a lighter color of base and I'm trying to figure out if I'm attracted to him, we're still intertwined in something like desire or sameness – I say do you have any more codeine and now there's a beat to everything – Jana, Jana, where is Jana – Jana, Jana, where is Jana – the whole restaurant is singing, even the floors and the ceiling, salt and pepper shakers vibrating on the table and my body in this beat and somehow this suddenly feels so satisfying that I wake up, wondering if now I won't feel so wrecked in the morning from the earlier time in bed when I was so wired, wired about what the homeopath wanted to know – nothing, everything, I mean I just wake up and once my brain starts I can't stop it, I don't think it's my brain that wakes me up but once it's on, oh no. But then here I am in bed, how funny to think of a drug in my body for the first time in a while, a drug in my body and this calm.

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