Monday, June 06, 2011

Kerosene

Different kinds of exhaustion: today it’s the one where I feel like I could get back in bed at any moment, and fall asleep right away. I already got back in bed. I didn't fall asleep. Should I try again? No, that sounds awful.

What are the other kinds? Wait, I'm already exhausted. I don't want to tell you about the other kinds, the other kinds of exhaustion. Let's save that for later, when I feel less exhausted. Or wait – later I might feel worse. Well, whenever I feel better.

Okay, I don't feel better, but I was just lying on the stretching mat, doing a little feldenkrais and wondering why I feel so awful today. I mean I actually slept pretty well, or I thought I slept pretty well. Woke up a bit early, but not too early. Or, I thought it was too early. Sat outside in the cool morning light, got back in bed, got up, here I am – maybe time for a walk, an exhausting walk.

Wait, more thoughts – I don't know if they're good ones, but they’re thoughts, yay for thoughts! At least, when I'm not in bed. And, I'm not in bed! Anyway, I was thinking about walking through the railyard again, over where there are more people than anywhere else in Santa Fe except tourist hell, looking for an adventure, new people to meet although really I don't have any energy but maybe new people would give me energy, right? Not that I ever meet anyone on my walks – and I guess that was the same in San Francisco, really, except at least in San Francisco there were more people to run into. I've been here for seven months, so I've gone on several hundred walks for sure, and let's see – I guess I met the woman who was looking for another address on Buena Vista, walked over to the right part, Ariel was her name. Of course I've said hello to tons of people, maybe half of whom have said hello to me, but no other names exchanged I don't think, except in stores, which is not the same as outside, outside where it's too hot already, I was going to try the purple sun hat today to see if it really made me warmer then the aqua one, but I think I'll just go with the aqua one, even though I don't like it as much I'm pretty sure it’s cooler because it's 100% cotton. Oh the strategies of avoiding sun damage – I look at people without hats on in the middle of the day, and I get confused. Well, now I'm getting hypoglycemic – better eat some more, before going out.

Okay, I went on a walk. It’s too hot out. Especially since I'm wearing shoes instead of sandals. I wanted to wear the sandals, but there is this thing going on with my right foot where it's like the mechanism of the arch pulls out, twisting my foot into pain, so I thought shoes might offer more support, even though maybe I hurt my foot in the first place with these shoes. And then I get back in bed – no, first I try sitting in the sun again, to see if that helps, and when I get inside it's like there's nothing else I can possibly do besides getting back to bed. So that's what I do – oh, that first moment when I sink into the cool sheets, nothing could be more amazing. And then I sleep, sleep and wake up feeling awful, terrible headache, all this tension in my stomach, should I go outside again, see if the sun helps this time?

At first I think some horrifyingly polluted car just drove by, clogging the air, but then it just stays there, all the fumes like a kerosene fire, do wildfire use kerosene? Oh, wait – it's probably some asshole with a kerosene grill, lighting it up just to torture me. The clouds are out, if I were somewhere else I might think it was about to rain. Maybe I'll make some cucumber juice.

No, wait – the phrase is: the clouds roll in, right? I mean the sun is out, and then the clouds roll in. I check the humidity, just in case: 10%.

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