Thursday, June 02, 2011

Like fingers except more aquatic

Okay, well at least I don't have parasites anymore! I was worried that I would get the test results, and they would say that nothing was even better, not even in the deep levels of my shit under the microscope, but no, three stool samples and no parasites, none. Of course, that still leaves the question of how on earth will I ever feel better, but if those test results told me that I took all that horrible medication that destroyed my life, and it didn't even get rid of the parasites, oh no then certainly I would feel much worse, that's for sure.

More test results to look at, and I'm not sure exactly where they lead me, except to feeling way more exhausted sitting in that doctor's office, first waiting waiting waiting and then talking talking talking, but outside on the way back it's actually cloudy, but with the with all that desert dust and I kind of wish I didn't wear my hat on the way over, because it's hard to keep it on it all this wind. Will it ever rain? Yes, it will rain, but it doesn't feel like it.

But I want to tell you about this tree that I'm watching, later on when I decide to sit at this picnic bench in the back of a parking lot behind an abandoned something or other, dirt and weeds all beautiful in the dusky light, at first I sat down for the idea of something sexual in public, myself, but not really, although I will say that it's fun to wear shorts, the wind on my legs, took me so many years but remember that was one of the things I decided before I moved here: shorts! So here I am in my shorts and a tank top even, sitting on this bench and maybe at first I'm thinking about the guy who I sucked off earlier on, kind of fun like an after-work appointment, for him that is, super-clean in his clean-cut work clothes, yellow plaid shirt and khakis at 8 minutes after 5 pm. This was the second time, I like the way there's a softness to his gestures and the way he grabs my head, but anyway I'm sitting here on this bench and I look up at these trees drooping branches and delicate green leaves, and the way the leaves are shimmering in the wind, reaching down almost like fingers except more aquatic, and that's just what I need to shift me into this place of calm and exploration. Then on Sandoval I notice these crazy vines for the first time, winding up above us so dense they’re like trees and yes I'm still tired, yes on the last block of my walk, through the alley that I love, past an open moving truck and a discarded futon, yes it's still hard to get back, smaller and slower steps I mean I know I’ll make it, I'm on the finishing stretch as the sun is no longer sun just a little bit of soft yellow underneath the surrounding blue-gray, thinking about these little gestures, looking up at the leaves and the way sometimes this can pull me up too, or not quite but maybe.

2 comments:

kayti said...

This is great news. I lost my cell phone so I don't have your number. can you call me at home.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Great news, I hope so! I'll call you at home sometime soon...

Love--
mattilda