Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Seven blackberries

It's only 12:30 pm, but I'm so tired I feel like this day has already lasted forever. Yesterday I went to a going-away party, but I was so tired I could barely speak. Or, I could speak, but then it got too exhausting smiling and saying hello so I went on a walk, but actually that was too tiring so luckily there was a small empty park where I sat down and stared at the buildings. One of them was called Joe's Market, or maybe it was John's or Johnny's, something like that – Old West style like it could fall down at any moment or last forever continuing to crumble and crumble the way that’s glamour to a lot of people here in Santa Fe. Unpainted wooden slats making up the building or maybe they were painted at one point but no longer. No longer a market either, although I couldn't tell what exactly it was, I saw office furniture and computers so something I guess, lots of nice chairs on the porch, and then I walked back.

Today I wake up thinking maybe this is the day, but then you know I wake up hoping that all the time, and then. Haven't eaten anything yet, or wait I ate seven blackberries so delicious but then I could sense bloating coming on so I stopped. But often on these days when I think wait, maybe today, maybe today is the day when I won't feel completely drained the entire time, maybe I'll have energy to do things not just pushing to try. But wait – now I'm crashing just sitting here, suddenly my head fills with the crush of exhaustion words out of reach maybe if I just keep listening to these birds chirping, the sound of the ceiling fan like a clock, feel my breath and the places that lift and lock, no now I'm just more tired. Should I lie down again? Not the bed again – I don't like this pattern where I get up, get back in bed. Maybe feldenkrais on the stretching mat, I'm not sure.

But I wanted to write something about the emotional access I have at this time of the day, like I just look at one headline -- 1.5 Million Female Wal-Mart Employees Lose Historic Sex Discrimination Case Before Supreme Court – and there I go with tears. Not that I can remember the details of the case exactly, something about equal work for equal pay which doesn't exactly seem like the central issue for challenging hideous Walmart but still that sadness. Crying, even. Although then here I am again, sitting at the computer and thinking about going back to bed.
Maybe it's not emotional access exactly anyway, just complete and utter exhaustion. I wonder if going on a walk morning has become an exercise in futility. It used to clear my head, make me feel a little bit happy calm at least looking at the flowers. Now it just drains me, then I get home and try to wait at least a little while before eating, but here I am all anxious and angry with hypoglycemia already.

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