Friday, June 10, 2011

Trying

Somehow I wake up in all this emotion – no wait, first I wake up, and go outside where the air still feels cool, soft, nurturing, and then I sit in the sun where it's warm, hot almost, but fun to watch the light in my garden, shadows on the walls, feeling the breeze on my body the possibility of softness in grieving, no breathing – the voice software wants me to say grieving, so I'll let it. But then I walk inside, about to cry about so many small things that matter, gestures of hope I guess, and that feels promising, about today I mean, maybe I'll feel a little better I'm not sure.

It’s still cool in my apartment at this time of day, and maybe Dana is right that if I figure out a way to cover the skylights that will help it stay cool. I mean I'm sure it will help, just not sure yet how much. These wildfires are intense – in the evening the smoke pours in like fog, not sure how that works exactly but suddenly there’s that darker gray taking over from the clouds at the horizon, and that smell of 10,000 campfires, cigars, burning rubber, kerosene, dead animals – the dryness in your face and a choking. Yesterday when I got home it was worse in my apartment – I’d accidentally turned off the ceiling fan with the light switch. I guess they tell you to close all the windows, but I can't bring myself to do that, feels like suffocation – I wake up in headache heartache anyway, right? I was telling Jessica that there's always something bothering me here – if it's not the wildfires, it’s the soot from fireplaces, seasonal allergies, car exhaust, incense from my neighbor next door – and yes, the dryness I came here for. It's too much; it's not helping; it's not the right climate for me. And yes, that makes me sad – when I started thinking about moving, not just in the abstract like where's next but in the question of when, that's when I started to get sad. Sad about planning all that displacement – undoing all the work that's made my apartment so beautiful, home really, really home. Overwhelmed by how exhausting that will be, that exhaustion again, that overwhelm. Sad about all these things I do to try to feel better, and how they don't work really, and how I just have to keep trying other things, keep trying, that's the point.