Saturday, July 16, 2011

For now

This is the time of day when the mountains play tricks with your eyes, the sun starts to go down and there’s lightning, clouds streaming in and you see the way the ones in the back disappear, making the closer ones suddenly greener, but then look over there and you see the snow on the tops of those mountains and in front basically blue, more lightning but then the sun is back and I’m inside dancing to the new Wagon Christ album, at first I wasn’t sure I liked it but then here I am in the mirror pulling in my stomach to shake my arms and chest at strange angles, dancing with myself touching my skin the way I want someone to touch me, thinking I need to take a dance class that teaches you falling the way I learned falling when I first moved to San Francisco and then whenever I would go out I would end up on the floor, sometimes covered in powder because that’s the way the dancing experts slid across so effortlessly, or part of it anyway. And that was the part about falling, not to be afraid, and now I’m certainly afraid again, afraid of hurting my body and so that’s why I wonder about a class, teach me again, but am I ready?

See, dancing helped – my body doesn’t hurt as much, back clenching ouch, maybe because I haven’t seen a feldenkrais practitioner in almost 4 weeks, dammit, so hard to find one here who I can get to. Instead I listened to CDs that help but now is the time when I need more help but for now this music, yes moving my body into this music and maybe it’s that centering thing that pulls my back out of spasm, I’m not sure, or at least takes my disastrous fatigue and make it into something beyond fatigue I mean into my body in a way that means my body works, can work, in my dream I tried to do a somersault but I couldn’t quite figure it out, these easy motions that suddenly becomes so fraught, like what will I hurt? But for now I’ll put the music back on.

No comments: