Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Maybe not as horrible or hopeless

The other day I decided to call my mother when I was annoyed at her, although now I can’t remember what I was annoyed about. All I remember is that it didn’t work. I mean I wanted to call her while I was still feeling annoyed, rather than after it dissipated, or after she went to bed and then I could leave a message and act like I felt okay, or at least not annoyed, but I decided to call in the moment because I’m trying to break that pattern, right? The pattern of waiting, processing everything in my head over and over, which just ends up making me more exhausted. But then I called her. And I felt worse.

Today I called her, and I wasn’t annoyed, or maybe I was a little annoyed that she kept calling me, and I did think oh, I could call her back after she goes to bed, and not tell her that I’m taking the bus home, because when I started talking about the bus she got all worried, I’m not sure exactly what she was worried about, probably because it’s not an official bus line exactly and it goes to Mexico and they only take cash, and I think when I said something about that was when my mother started getting worried but maybe also because the bus to Santa Fe is too long for me and my body will be ruined and also it’s too late at night so my fragile sleep will get worse, but anyway I decided to call her before she went to bed. And she didn’t even say anything annoying, or I don’t think so, I mean she offered to make any calls I needed, but oh, here she is on the phone again.

But wait – first let me tell you how I ended up feeling: part of this is because I’m so exhausted, maybe I didn’t realize how exhausted I was before I called. Or no, I did realize how exhausted I was, but then maybe I forgot? Sometimes it’s hard to think that I’m always this exhausted, and then when I’m this exhausted and I start talking to my mother, it can only become a flood of speechlessness that then makes me feel like I’m an awful person, just because I can’t respond to simple questions or I’m completely annoyed and angry even, and then angry at myself, but anyway, here’s my mother again. Now she’s offering to pay the exorbitant rate it would take to rent a car to drive back, since someone was going to drive with me, but then I called all the car rental companies and almost every one was totally booked, and the one that wasn’t booked was insanely overpriced, several hundred dollars more than I expected, I guess because it’s a one-way rental, and also because they charge a drop-off fee, but then I guess the reason every company was booked was because of a hailstorm at the airport that damaged all these planes, or least that’s what someone working for one of these companies said to me.

I don’t even know if I want my mother to pay this ridiculous amount for the car rental – I mean I appreciate the offer, but it almost sounds unethical. Or do I just feel guilty about the privilege of paying an exorbitant fee for something that should cost much less? I don’t know. I do know that I wanted to tell my mother about my reading, but when she asked I just felt so exhausted that I couldn’t say anything, and then when she acted excited that made me more exhausted. And so, now that she’s back on the phone, I try to tell her something, I mean I do tell her about it, and she does ask questions, and actually some of her questions are about the questions that other people asked, and I still feel just as exhausted, but maybe not as horrible or hopeless, is that really what I mean? Yes, that’s what I mean – I just thought about it. If I think about it too much more, I’ll get more exhausted.

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