Sunday, August 28, 2011

Another wall to get through

Lethargy: that's how I would describe it. The way I feel. I think it started when I took the new homeopathic remedy five days ago – the exact opposite of the feeling I wanted. It's worse than the usual exhaustion, because it's hard even to think. All I want to do is to get back in bed – that's what I did yesterday, three times, and oh how awful I felt, so separate from the world, separate and desperate and hopeless about the possibilities of connection, so tired that even communication felt like a wall, another wall to get through.

White cars: why are there so many white cars, SUVs, trucks, station wagons, that's what I watch through my front window, maybe this one is stopping here. In my next apartment, I'd like to have more of a view. I mean, it doesn't necessarily bother me here with all this space, I can look outside at the trees and adobe walls and the sky, but then when I'm this tired and it's so hard to go outside and do anything, I wouldn't mind more to see through my windows. I'm ready for a bigger city, here I walk around and I'm constantly struck by the lack of potential for any connection.

Even when I make it to the show at the railyard, oh how it seems so far. But then I’m there, and kind of excited, even though I don't like the music, but also not really excited, because I still feel so drained, separate, like I'm there but why am I there, watching people drinking and sitting, a wide range of types from the teenagers in the rainbow wigs to the skinny Texas society woman with big hair but this isn't giving me any energy. Sure I can watch the way the sky frames the stage, and I didn't notice those four lights on top before, kind of pretty, maybe I'm curious about the next band but the final song for this one is a drums and guitar instrumental that goes on and on and on, and it's not like they're bad musicians or anything, but this noise is hurting my head so I stand up to head back, and as soon as I start walking I think oh, this is the right choice, yes get me home get me home now.

Did I mention the blackbirds on the way, I wanted to sit down in the grass and talk to them but I didn't think they would understand me. Now they're not there anymore. Now it's the next day and I've slept better or maybe not better but longer, 12 hours in bed and now I've been up for three and it’s hard to imagine anything else but getting back in bed, except yesterday it didn't help at all . But I'm sinking into this sadness this brain-shutting-off feeling that means I'm not sure there's any other choice.

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