Wednesday, August 03, 2011

Better

Just after I wake up, I'm standing in the bathroom looking in the mirror and I think: that's the body I want. But wait – that is my body. But without all the bloating – or, not as much bloating, at least. Different than later in the day, I mean once I start eating, but even if this moment is about body dysphoria it's also about a presence, maybe there's some kind of hope there, right? When did I write this paragraph? Seems like a while ago, and now the bloating is back – maybe it will start to rain soon, with all this humidity in the air, but still I need so much moisturizer on my hands.

I go on a walk, but I'm so tired that even though I can sense beauty – look at that sky, those mountains, the way those flowers are growing out of nothing – even though I can sense all this beauty, I can't really feel it. Do you know what I mean? It just feels like I'm walking too far even though I haven't walked far at all, better turn around soon and then I turn around. Those prickly things are stuck in my shoes, so I pulled them out one by one. Across the street someone is watching me. The only other people out are walking their dogs.

At least the dogs aren't barking. Is there more to say? Let me try to describe this exhaustion: my head, my pain, my head in pain my eyes dizzy my brain falling off if I close my eyes I sink into breath, maybe that's where I need to go. And last night I actually slept better – what does that mean, better?

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