Sunday, August 21, 2011

Just what I was hoping for

Wow, it's almost scary with this thunder from all directions, lightning high in the sky and that rumbling growling slamming rolling pounding sound, but yes, this is the air that I want – soft and moist and blowing in from all directions and yes, now it's finally pouring outside I mean before it was raining but not pouring and the lights were flickering, I was on the phone with Jory who said his mother always gets off the landline when there's a lot of lightning, really? Before I was going to go on a walk but now it's really pouring so I'll watch and feel it from inside I guess yes yes please more air and my head clears, bring it all inside, bring it all inside my head I can finally feel something like calm, openness, amazement too at all this sound and light in the dark and it's funny because earlier Justin watered the dry garden because I saw the approaching clouds but yesterday it wasn't even drizzle, rain so fine I called it slizzle, and then other days we get tons of thunder but no storm really, thunder drizzle, but now it's really slamming down, looking onto the street I guess there must be a slight decline in the direction of Don Diego because that's where all the water is rushing, more lightning now and I finally feel kind of okay – still exhausted like before but not so drained, hopeful actually about what might happen when I search for rest in the near future, hopeful that it might even happen, do you think?

I want this paragraph to be further from the previous one – I know I could move it, but that's not what I mean. What I mean is that I want to feel closer to the previous paragraph. Why do I get so angry at myself in the middle of the night, in the middle of the night when I wake up with back pain because of the direction I turns, in the middle of the night that isn't really the middle of the night I mean I've slept six or seven hours and why can't it feel cumulative, this sleep thing, after six or seven hours I should feel better, right? There's something wrong with how my body processes sleep, this horrible headache drilling through my head, why today? What happened today to bring on this headache? Lying in bed I get so angry at myself like there's something I could do to change all of this, when of course I'm always trying to find that thing, or things, or whatever it is, but it isn’t.

And then I do fall asleep, back asleep I mean, after whatever horrible frantic thoughts are going through my head, but then when I wake up again it's like I'm in a tunnel, that deep dark emotional sadness sinus pain hopelessness, and I think about going back to sleep again but it doesn't help. It's the time when I usually get up – maybe I'll get up and see, see what it feels like.

But when I get up what I see is that I feel horrible, absolutely horrible, but I do need to cook the beans so I have something to eat today, right? Mung beans, and the last time I ate them they brought on the bloating right away, but whenever it's something that I use all the time, one of the few things that doesn't make me sick usually, whenever that happens it’s even worse, right? So I'm hoping it wasn't the mung beans, maybe something I put in them, one of the herbs I got from the farmers’ market. Or maybe it was just that time of day, the time for bloating, and anything would have brought it on?

Why am I so dehydrated today, this moist day, a day when I wake up and the trees are wet, I don't know if I’ve ever seen that before in Santa Fe, the way the bark gets darker and there's a different smell to be earth, what is this smell exactly? Almost like eucalyptus and I love eucalyptus, maybe it's something about the cedar or pine trees? Shouldn't it clear my head instead of bringing on this horrible sinus headache, where is this coming from? Not the dryness because the air is moist today although my nostrils are still disastrously dry. Maybe a seasonal allergy, something that blew in with the rain. Or could it be because I stopped using the nose ointment, switched to an oil because I didn't think the ointment was helping anyway and I didn't want my body to get addicted or allergic to the preservatives in it, which kind of felt like what was happening. Maybe that ointment was helping.

Well, now I'm definitely ready to eat something – starting the day with a delicious dulse seaweed miso broth which definitely clears my head but oh great, bloating right away, just what I was hoping for.


Claire Cramer said...

Thunderstorms are so mentally cleansing. I can't imagine living somewhere they don't happen. I'm sorry you're feeling bad. I had high anxiety all weekend, since I left work on Friday afternoon, for the first time in a long time. Fortunately it seems to have cleared up. Hope the storms blow through some of your discomfort.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Well, right now we're getting another storm, oh my – even bigger, so I guess there's still hope!!!

Love –