Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Someday

I wonder if there will ever be a point when I walk into a hotel and don't feel like I'm turning a trick, search for the elevator before entering the lobby, try to act casual, don't look towards or away from the reception desk. But actually they're a hot guy working there who stares at my earrings – much hotter than the guy I'm going to have sex with, that I know for sure and for a moment I think of stopping to say hi, but that's just a fantasy so I pretend I don't notice and keep walking.

Actually I don't see the elevator so I take the stairs, second floor is already the third and that's where I'm going, super-wide hallways with faux-Oriental carpet although I guess Oriental already implies faux -- so I mean factory-made to imitate something woven in East Asia, although that's probably where the factory is, right? There's some guy sitting in the hallway on his computer, for a moment I think maybe this is a set-up and that's the person who really posted for sex, just to see people walking in the hall, but actually he's much hotter than the other guy to so that wouldn't make sense, right? When I say hello he looks at me like I'm trash – South American royalty, I'm guessing, although does South American royalty stay at this Hilton?

Whoever decided that hotels aiming for fanciness could still use drop ceilings – whoever decided that certainly doesn't live with drop ceilings, that's for sure. This is a long hallway, and around two corners and all the way at the end is my destination – across the hall a door is slightly ajar, and once again I wonder if that's really the guy, standing there to watch me knocking on someone else's door, so you see how I have a lot of trust in internet hookups. No, this is the one – here he is, a nice smile in a dark room. I don't know why I think that if they post a not particularly attractive or unattractive picture that they'll actually look like that, or that somehow 42 is a random enough age that he'll actually be 42, but anyway he’s 40 pounds heavier and 10 years older but do I really care? Sometimes it can seem terribly unjust that this is what my sex life has come to – hooking up with people I'm not really attracted to, that remind me of turning tricks – I mean this time I'm even in a hotel, right? But I thought about it ahead of time: I really just want the feeling of someone's fingers on my skin. Someday I will create a sex life based on mutual attraction and laughter, bright eyes and intimate conversations, a home in these arms, but not today, and not in Santa Fe I don't imagine. I mean it doesn't seem possible.

So here I am, and he does that thing where he grabs my dick first like maybe I'll go away otherwise, yes I know he wants to suck me off I mean that's when he said ahead of time but I'm not hard and I'll never get hard this way. He drops his shorts – super-fat dick sticking straight out and I think do I want to suck his dick, even though I'm not attracted to him? Yes I do, that's what I decide, so then I'm there in that familiar place on my knees, displaying my talents and somehow he's naked, lying back on the bed and then I start to wonder if this angle will hurt my jaw so I stand up.

Now I'm hard – he reaches for my dick, unbuckling my belt and unzipping my shorts, but I put his hands on my thighs. He reaches for my armpits, that's what makes me moan, then he's sucking my dick and he's not that good but I could come anyway, not yet, he’s lying back on the bed to get that angle so I grab his neck to choke but not choke and put his hands back on my thighs, yes, and there's his dick, do I want to suck it again, sure so I lean over, and what's interesting about sucking someone’s dick when they're not paying you and when you're not so concerned about their pleasure is that you can just stop right at the moment when it doesn't feel that interesting anymore, so then I stand back up, teasing him for a while and he's grabbing my ass, teasing my asshole and balls so gently he's really good at that, it's my favorite part and then when I’m holding his head and getting ready to shoot he chokes and pulls his head away so I come on his face, kinda hot until he ruins it by saying yeah dude you know I want it.

Faggots should be banned from saying dude for at least 100 years. Do you want a towel, I say, and go into the bathroom to get one. He's still lying on the bed with a hard-on, I say I'm kind of tired so I think I'm going to head home. He already knows that. I asked him if he's from New York, because his profile says Midtown something or other, but it's Midtown Houston. That makes more sense. He comes here a lot; he’d like to see me again.

On my way out, I grab his head and give him an intimate kiss on the cheek, not because I'm feeling anything necessarily but just because I want him to experience my affection; I want these experiences to feel affectionate. How many years has it been since I made a living in other people's desires – I was so certain when I stopped turning tricks that suddenly my sex life would rise from the mundane emptiness of longing and loss, but I was wrong. I thought I would feel more, but I feel less.

7 comments:

Campbell B. said...

Someday you'll feel the love and affection you need when you meet the right person or people...the right kind of connection. It'll happen. Maybe not in Sante Fe, but wherever you feel at home. :-)

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Sounds good to me – a toast to home, wherever that is :)

Love –
mattilda

Claire Cramer said...

This means quite a bit to me at this moment.

Also, thanks for this line: "Faggots should be banned from saying dude for at least 100 years."

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Thank you so much, Claire – and yes, I did enjoy writing that line – perhaps we should start a campaign!

Love –
mattilda

Claire Cramer said...

Funny thing: I call all my straight guys "lady" and my girls "dude". But, you know, I'm kind of a lady dude myself.

Claire Cramer said...

P.S. I just thought to myself, "But only for 100 years! After that, all bets are off!" and started laughing right as my boss walked by.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Always a good idea to call straight guys lady, that's for sure! And I know, we'll have to figure out what happens after 100 years, but we've got some time :)

Love –
mattilda