Wednesday, August 24, 2011

What happened?

I mean I guess I could ask that any day, but some days it's worse. Today it's worse. My sleep wasn’t really interrupted – I woke up a little too early, but 8½ hours didn't sound too bad, I was so hopeful that today would be the day. Sometimes I tell myself that in bed: today's the day, the day when I feel better. Or, sometimes I correct myself: a day. A day when I feel better. Because I want more than one, right?

But, of course, I feel worse. So exhausted after a few hours that I have to get back in bed, then I'm lying there worried that I'm not going to fall asleep but I do, except that when it wake up I'm not awake, maybe I'll go outside to sit in the sun, but that just feels oppressive and draining, how did it get so hot? Back inside to soak my feet in vinegar and that helps a little but not enough, and then I have to get ready to go to therapy, which always makes me feel a little better, except that it's so hard to get there, so draining, and then after I leave I have a few moments of calm before crashing again. But how will I even get there today? In 20 minutes I have to leave. Twenty minutes and all I want to do is to get back in bed, except it didn't help last time, and really I don't understand this trajectory: why is everything worse again? I mean, I know that everything got dramatically worse when I took the anti-parasite medicationas, but then I thought maybe I was getting better from that. Not better like I felt good or anything, but better like I felt exhausted and drained and overwhelmed all the time, but in the usual way, not three times worse than usual, but then now I'm sliding down again. What's next?


Wil Lake said...

Mattilda...aka Matt I am going thru it here in ole' D.C. it is so boring and tired and provincial...thought about being a bouncer at the Black Cat Club but thought better of i. Surely you are the force behind so much..and so many feel Better Plaese W

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Yes, DC can certainly be quite dreadful – lovely to hear from you, my dear -- and oh, please drop that "aka Matt" part of my name -- that went away a long time ago :)

Oh – and yes, being a bouncer at the Black Cat might end up being a nightmare, good luck trying to find beauty in our nation's capital of horror!

Love –