Thursday, September 01, 2011


Oh, no – I can't believe this pain, this pain in my gut, higher up today, in my stomach pressing up and out. So much pain that I can't stand up, and I can't lie down, and I can't sit. What can I do? Maybe I can lean over the sink.

I'm trying to chop vegetables, so that I can get back in bed. I just got out of bed, and now this pain. I don't know what to do about this pain. I don't know what's causing it. I don't know why it's still going on. I don't know why it's worse today.

I get back in bed. I get out of bed. I drink some miso soup. I get back in bed. I get back out of bed. I guess it's time to eat, will that help or hurt? I mean, I guess it always hurts in the long run, that's how it seems, but what about the next few minutes?

Okay, it helps. Something. Maybe: eating. I can still see the bloating, but it doesn't hurt as much. I'm going to the doctor today. I don't know if that will help or hurt. Oh, now my wrist hurts, right wrist, everything hurts my right wrist: reading, lying on the stretching mat, chopping vegetables, getting the mail out of the mailbox, holding a bag, holding this plate, this fork, yes I need to eat again.

Everything hurts my gut, and my wrists, my head and my heart and I want to get back in bed, but remember, I have a doctor’s appointment. Usually homeopathy doesn't hurt so much, but I think this time it really did make me much worse. First the remedy that made me dramatically more exhausted, sad in that way that means nothing can get through, I mean my head, I'm stuck. Need to get back in bed.

And then the remedy that made the bloating so much worse, I mean sure, sometimes there is a negative effect at first but not usually this obliteration. Obliteration doesn't help. I need to eat more, and I need to get back in bed, but I'm not going to, because I'm going to the doctor – I mean, I am going to eat more, but I'm not going to get back in bed because I need to leave in 45 minutes, at least if the doctor is running on time, which she almost never is – yesterday I called to see if she was running late and the receptionist said no, your appointment’s for tomorrow.

And right then I just felt like I couldn't possibly do anything ever again I was so drained, just like that, I mean I was already drained and then I thought maybe I was okay, at least I was getting ready to go to the doctor's appointment but then I didn't have the appointment because the receptionist scheduled it wrong. I was struggling for words; I couldn't find them. Made an appointment for a week later, a week later than I was expecting, but then I thought, no, I can't wait that long. So I called back and asked for the original time in the schedule, the wrong time but only a 24-hour wait, not a whole week. And then I canceled my feldenkrais appointment so I could go.

And now I'm going, or I will be going in 35 minutes or so, after I eat something and get dressed, get dressed and walk over there. Not that I think it's going to help me, but I need to keep trying anyway. I mean I feel way way worse than when I started to see this doctor, but it seems like the only option anyway, the only option for a doctor right now I mean. She is smart; she has a lot of information. I feel worse than when I started; she has that information too. Hopefully sometime there will be other information.

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