Thursday, September 08, 2011

That place between

There's the difference between the usual exhaustion, when I can stare into space for a while and hope to have enough energy to do something for a few minutes, and then maybe stare into space for a while. Or, call people on the phone, and hope that someone will answer. And then there's this exhaustion, when I can't do anything but stare into space and then after a little while I can't do anything but get into bed. Even though I know that naps always make me feel worse, sometimes there's no other choice.

At first it seems like the right choice, yes oh yes how could I have waited this long, but then I'm awake again and I feel exactly like when I used to do drugs, and I would wake up the next day unable to tell whether it was day or night, I mean I could look at the sky or the light, but it still didn't make any sense. So I’m lying down on the mat, doing feldenkrais, struck by an overwhelming sadness that feels so awful and insurmountable and familiar and desperate: is there anything good about my life? Trying to think of something, something good, but it all just feels broken. Tension in my face, tension and distance, tension and distance and then there is this: I remember what I used to do when I felt like this, right? Cocktails, of course, and then it was okay, until the next day. And the next day. And the next day.

Cocktails: that time between day and light, night and laughter and darkness and forgetting when everything leads somewhere, even if it's just towards tomorrow when it will be worse there’s still now in the place where I can sit still while flying, so hard to get there of course but now I'm in a different life, a different awful and familiar where I don't want cocktails no not cocktails but still this darkness in my head and I've missed the sunset. Oh, but here the sunset lasts so long, something I will always treasure about this place where yes it's dark, kind of, but still you can look up at the pink, yellow, orange, gray, white clouds and the light, so different if you look that way, night, or the other way, almost bright, and I even discover a street that I didn't notice before, right behind Whole Foods. Oh good this walk helped -- except that I get home and my jaw hurts so much, where is this headache coming from? And then I'm back in that same place except more pain, now it's later so I can get ready to get back in bed, again.


kayti said...

Amazingly enough I was thinking about helping myself to a drink or two. Are you reading my mind? If so stop it Bitch.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Sounds like trouble…

Love –