Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Community, immunity

I think I had a libido for a minute or two. Or, maybe not – I was thinking about what a libido feels like, so then I went on craigslist and saw “My hot cock” and right then I was hard, sending a reply and then I went on the awful cruise site, but wait, someone actually sent me a message, wanted to get together, but then I realized I kind of have a sore throat and I don't want to get someone sick. Didn't tell him that, said I made plans, I'll never hear from him again, there goes that libido.

Now I'm just sitting here, trying to decide if I have enough energy to go outside. Whether it will make my sore throat worse – is that what this is, a sore throat? Started with a scratchiness, now I'm taking osha root to cure it but still this scratchiness. Didn't take a walk earlier because I had a phone appointment with the doctor, a phone appointment so I wouldn’t get too exhausted, but then after we talked I was too exhausted to go to therapy, had to cancel. Which was why I'd scheduled a phone appointment – I mean so I wouldn't get too exhausted, but then, well, you already know.

Strangely, my lab work looks much better – balanced intestinal flora, even a tiny bit of gut immunity inching up from nothingness – I mean, before it was .1, now it's 13.7 – the reference range is 51-204, but still I'm going in the right direction, or so we can imagine, right? I just wish I could feel it, something, anything, better. Of course, the doctor asked again if I would know what it would feel like to feel better. Why does she keep asking that? I guess she thinks that maybe I would feel better, but I wouldn't notice? I mean, that doesn't even make sense. When you feel horrible all the time, even feeling slightly less horrible feels better. I mean, I have delusional moments all the time, like this morning when I was planning out the call for submissions for a new anthology, before the crash, reality, whatever it is – one day the reality will be something else.


davka said...

I can't imagine why she would ask that. I keep trying and cannot figure it out.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

I know I know I KNOW -- here's to her never ever ever ever asking that again, thank you, Davka!

Love –