Monday, November 28, 2011


Every day in my datebook I write a list of things I need to do, but then I always know that I'm not going to be able to do the whole list, so I highlight a few things that I absolutely must do, and then often I don't succeed at doing all the highlighted items either. But yesterday, I actually did everything on my list – and, I didn't feel terribly exhausted and drained the whole time – until the end of the day when I crashed – early, yes – but still, a few hours of feeling kind of okay, able to do things, that was pretty exciting. Today I woke up thinking – no, I didn’t wake up thinking, I just woke up feeling absolutely horrible. Or, I must have woken up thinking something, but then it was all erased when I realized how horrible I felt. Can’t I have more than one good day in a row?

Walking outside, trying to remind myself: it's beautiful, right, it's beautiful? But I couldn't feel it at all. Now it's the end of the day, and I feel a little better, or at least ready for bed, I mean in a few hours, that’s pretty exciting, right? Except, then I have to get up again. Hopefully tomorrow I won't feel so awful – it's all about the quality of my sleep, whether it's interrupted. Last night it was interrupted. And so, I felt interrupted all day, disrupted, desperate, cloudy, over it, over everything, over this town and getting groceries and going on walks and trying to hook up on the internet during the 15 or 20 minutes when I actually have a libido, and then for a few hours afterwards, until I realize I'm too tired to speak, too tired to do anything, too tired, always too tired, I'm sick of feeling so tired.

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