Friday, December 23, 2011


I do like getting up in the nines better than in the tens – and, maybe this switch in my homeopathic remedy is helping to lighten my head, give me a little more energy, lessen the bloating at least a little bit, make my sleep at least somewhat restful, can we hope for all this? What was the word from therapy? Because Heather was asking me what it would mean to feel better – you know, I wouldn't feel completely horrible all the time, right? I would wake up and feel rested. I would feel like all the care I take for myself – the way I eat, the way I rest, the projects I work on – that somehow something would make me feel okay, energetic, excited even – not just drive, everything guided by the goals I have and the push to survive, thrive even, but no matter what exciting things happen I still feel horrible because my body is so draining, always. Even the best moment is just a high for a minutes before the crash, disastrous crash, always disastrous, that's how I feel, like a disaster, or just barely averting disaster, always. And then: disaster.

But, what was the word? Oh – I remember: aligned. I want to feel aligned. Like, if I lie down to go to sleep and stay in bed for as long as feels possible, then I want to wake up feeling better, right? If I go outside to go on a relaxing walk, I want to feel relaxed. If I sit down to rest because I'm exhausted, I want to feel better from the rest. If I cook a delicious healthy meal, I want to feel calm and soothed and energized by it. If I decide to go to a movie or a performance or reading, I want to feel like it could possibly be fun, not just something I'm doing in light of the pain. When I give my own reading, I want to feel like that excitement, that engagement, that intimacy can last, and that I won't end up a catastrophe afterwards. Do you see what I mean? Alignment: I’ll have to keep thinking about it.


Lady J said...

Why is it that you seem to feel physically ill so often? :(

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

I know, right!!!???!!!