Saturday, December 10, 2011


It's 39 degrees out today, and it actually feels kind of warm in the sun. Or, maybe warm it is an exaggeration, but warmer. This though on the roof is melting, dripping down my front window, sparkling in the sun, and I feel awful, the kind of awful that makes me feel like I'll never feel good, or even okay, but I know I'll feel okay at some point, and then awful again. The kind of awful that makes me distract myself with online cruising – you know, if I was just on my knees sucking his cock, I would feel fine, right? For about 10 minutes.

I was thinking about what I would do if I was in Seattle right now – I could go to the bookstore, or maybe the theater if there was something interesting playing, or the awful sex club. Maybe those options don't sound that great, at least when I'm feeling this awful, but actually that's three more options than I have right now. Right now I'm waiting for someone to come over to fix the bathtub drain – they were supposed to come over at one, so I called at 1:20, and the person who answered the phone said they were running a little late, would be here around 3 pm. 3 pm? That's more than a little late.

Not in New Mexico. I could go on a short walk, before this person supposedly arrives. Or I could lie down and listen to a feldenkrais CD, which was what I meant to do an hour ago, before I decided to post an ad on craigslist, look at porn, think about this guy grabbing my head, get distracted by someone who wanted me to drive to Albuquerque. Sure, I'll be right there. As soon as someone fixes my drain.

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